LOTCB: The Ottoman Cushion of Rob Petrie

[The 49th Ronin]

In honor of the Emmy Awards being tonight, I present to thee a new episode of Legends of the Cable Box!

Legends of the Cable Box
Season 1, Episode 3
The Ottoman Cushion of Rob Petrie

Static fills the screen and white noise accompanies it. Slowly, the screen comes into focus. An empty background. As soon as the scene settles, Philoh?s head pops on the screen.

PHILOH:
Do you like TV the way we like TV? I am Philoh, the lord and master of the airwaves and overseer of every TV show ever broadcast. Today, one of these six teams (PIP windows appear revealing the teams) is going to prove their worth by exhibiting their skill in feats of strength and intelligence. Whoever said TV was bad for you never tried to take on The Cable Box (Cut to a wide shot of Philoh?s screen adjacent to the box): An intricate labyrinth where a prop from television history can lead to fortune and glory. But as you can see (bangs on screen in front of him), the great power of being emperor of the boob tube comes with limitations. So I have some help. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for my partner, the one, the only, the bipedal, Ken Ober!

KEN:
Thank you, Philoh! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Legends of the Cable Box. It?s great to be here, and even better to be getting paid for it.

PHILOH:
It is nice, isn?t it? But it?s not our show, it?s the contestants. So, let?s meet our six teams all fighting for a nice heap of prizes.

KEN:
We got lots of nice things for all of you coming out of our paychecks, ranging from cash prizes to luxurious vacations. But only one team?s getting a shot at winning the motherload today. Which team will it be?: (hold for applause after each team) MTV Red? Sci-Fi Blue? G4 Green? HBO Orange? ESPN Purple? Or Discovery Silver? But! Before we get to that, we need to do some basic repairs to the transmitter. Philoh, what?s wrong with it today?

PHILOH:
Today, our transmitter is faulty because it needs to be calibrated. To fix this, we?ll have to get it synched up properly to the satellite, which is already calibrated properly. When Ken gives the signal, a simple math problem will appear on your screens. Answer as many as you can correctly as fast as possible, because when you get twenty correct, you?ll be all synched up. The first four teams to answer twenty questions correctly and synch up their satellite will go on to the next round and be one step closer to taking on The Cable Box.

KEN:
Hey Philoh, before I forget, what TV prop are they going to have find today?

PHILOH:
Today, they?re searching for (PIP window appears) The Ottoman Cushion of Rob Petrie.

KEN:
OK, teams are you ready? (Wait for response). Then, on your marks, get set, go!

[The 49th Ronin]

The Steps of Knowledge:

KEN:
Nice work teams, it?s nice to know that television didn?t rot your brains too much. But now the herd is going to be narrowed a little more here at the Steps of Knowledge. Philoh?s going to give us a brief rundown of Rob Petrie, but pay attention. You?re going to have to remember the facts if you want to move on.

PHILOH:
Debuting on CBS in 1961, The Dick Van Dyke Show was an American sitcom that ran for five seasons. The show centered on Rob Petrie and his constant struggles between his family life and his career as a writer for the sketch-comedy show titled ?The Alan Brady Show.?

ROB:
Laura, you would not believe what happened at work today, I was talking to Alan and? *Trip* Whoa!

LAURA:
Oh Rob! Everyday you trip over that ottoman when you come home from work. Why can?t you just look where you?re going?

ROB:
As long as I don?t hurt myself too badly, it?s not a problem. But you wouldn?t believe what happened at work today. You know my two colleagues on the show, Sally and Buddy, right?

LAURA:
Of course I do. I?ve met them on several occasions. Why would I not know them?

ROB:
I?m not sure. Anyways, they found out some details of my stint when I was a sergeant in the Army stationed at Camp Crowder in Missouri. And now they want me to do a big song and dance number on the show while wearing my old uniform as a satire of the US military.

LAURA:
And you?re worried that Alan won?t like it?

ROB:
No.

LAURA:
You?re worried that mocking the military would be an insult of your service?

ROB
Nope.

LAURA:
Well then, what are you worried about?

ROB:
I?m worried about where I?m going to find a new uniform, because I know you accidentally threw mine out last month.

LAURA:
Oh, you knew about that, huh?

PHILOH:
Rob met Laura after she broke her toes dancing at a USO show. The two fell in love and married, even though she was only 17. Together, they moved to New York where Laura eventually retired and devoted herself to taking care of the house and raising their son named Richie, usually doing so in a pair of her trademark Capri pants. Rob?s career and home life would often merge, and Laura would frequently be involved in various schemes and activities regarding The Alan Brady Show. Her former career as a dancer and singer made her more than able. Yet despite the oddities that peppered the Petrie?s lives, one constant always remained:

ROB:
*Trip* Whoa!

PHILOH:
The cushion that sat atop the ottoman that Rob Petrie frequently tripped over was eventually dislodged. We?ve placed this cushion in The Cable Box. Today, you?re going to attempt to retrieve it, if you?re lucky.

KEN:
Alright Philoh. Nice job. Tell us, where did the ottoman cushion wind up?

PHILOH:
The ottoman cushion is located in Homer?s Hand.

KEN:
Awesome. Alright players, you?re now standing on The Steps of Knowledge. In a minute, Philoh?s going to start asking some questions. If you think you know the answer, I want you to stamp down on the symbol and then give me the answer. If you?re right, you get to move down one step. If you?re wrong or stand there stammering like a deer in the headlights, you?re going to stay on that step and I?ll give another team a chance to answer. The first two teams to traverse all three steps and reach the bottom will go onto the next round. OK Philoh, let?s try to stump them.

PHILOH?S QUESTIONS:

1.   What channel did The Dick Van Dyke Show appear on?
a)   ABC
b)   CBS
c)   NBC

2.   In what year did The Dick Van Dyke Show debut?
a)   1961
b)   1963
c)   1965

3.   What was the name of Rob Petrie?s wife?
a)   Laura
b)   Lorraine
c)   Linda

4.   What kind of TV show was Rob a writer for?
a)   A Game Show
b)   A Soap Opera
c)   A Sketch Comedy Show

5.   What was the name of the Army Base where Rob served?
a)   Camp Crowder
b)   Camp Clearwater
c)   Camp Annawannah

6.   Did Laura previously work for?
a)   The FBI
b)   The USO
c)   The ACLU

7.   What was the name of Rob and Laura?s son?
a)   Richie
b)   Ralph
c)   Potsie

8.   What was the name of the eccentric entertainer that that was also Rob?s boss?
a)   Peter Brady
b)   Alan Alda
c)   Alan Brady

9.   How old was Laura when she and Rob were married?
a)   Sixteen
b)   Seventeen
c)   Eighteen

10.   What did Laura do while serving in the USO?
a)   She sang and danced
b)   She played the guitar
c)   She was a comedienne

11.   What were the names of Rob?s two fellow employees?
a)   Jerry and Judy
b)   Buddy and Sally
c)   Ozzie and Harriett

12.   Which of the following pieces of clothing did Laura frequently wear?
a)   Mini Skirt
b)   Capri Pants
c)   Blue Jeans

13.   What state was Camp Crowder located in?
a)   Missouri
b)   Massachusetts
c)   Montana

14.   What military rank did Rob hold while serving in the army?
a)   Captain
b)   Sergeant
c)   Lieutenant

15.   What state did Rob and Laura move to after getting married?
a)   New York
b)   California
c)   Florida

[The 49th Ronin]

The Pay Per View Arena:

KEN:
Welcome back everybody. We?re going to move onto the next round in just a moment, but first, we?re going to take a small break and meet the players who have made it this far. (Reads player profiles). OK, go over there and get ready, I?m going to have a little chat with the people at home. Right now, the players are competing to win these: (holds up remote) Remote controls. If at any point when they?re running through the Cable Box they experience satellite interference, they can fire their remote to change the channel and go on. But, the batteries are kind of weak, so they?ll only work for one channel change each. How will they win these coveted remotes? In the Pay Per View Arena. There will be three events tonight. Philoh, tell us about event number one.

Number One:

PHILOH:
Tonight on channel 431 in the Pay Per View Arena see (Team one) and (Team two) compete in the ultimate bout of for The Dick Van Dyke Show fandom. In our prelude event, (competitor one?s name) and (competitor two?s name) will be attending a USO show, similar to the one where Rob met Laura. Unfortunately, these perfomers are terrible. When Ken gives the signal, load a tomato into the slingshot, take aim, and fire at the performers. If you knock one over, reload and shoot down the next. If you miss, try again. The first player to knock down all four performers, or whoever has knocked down more in sixty seconds wins the first remote.

KEN:
Set the clock for sixty seconds. On your mark, get set, go!

Number Two:

PHILOH:
Tonight on channel 411 in the Pay Per View Arena, (competitor one) and (competitor two) will duel for the coveted batteries to the remote. After all, what?s a remote without batteries? In this event, they?ll be racing across America from Camp Crawford Missouri to New York City. When Ken gives the signal, punch or kick the blocks in the wall to try and find the holes to hoist yourself up. Not every block will reveal a hole. The first team member to make it to the top of the wall and ring the buzzer, or whoever makes it highest at the end of sixty seconds wins.

KEN:
OK teams. Get on your marks. Put sixty seconds on the clock. Ready, set, go!

Number Three:

PHILOH:
Tonight, the final showdown! On channel 487, see (team one) duke it out against (team two) for the right to enter the Cable Box, and for a remote with batteries. For tonight?s coup de grace, see the newest sport sure to make a splash in America; Ottoman Racing! When Ken gives the signal, have teammate number one sit on the ottoman while the second wheels them through the obstacle course. Then, when you reach the end, switch positions and wheel back. The first team to make it across both legs of the obstacle course will win the full remote. Ask you local cable or satellite provider for details.

KEN:
Gentlemen, start your engines. No time limit on this one. Go at the count of three: One, Two, Three!

[The 49th Ronin]

The Cable Box:

KEN:
Welcome back everybody. (Team name) has had a lot of fun and excitement today, but now it?s time for the main event. In a minute, you?re going to be sent into the Cable Box to try and retrieve the Ottoman Cushion of Rob Petrie, but before you go, Philoh?s going to try and help you out by giving some necessary advice on how to navigate the Cable Box.

PHILOH:
Start by trying to force your way through the Twilight Zone?s Dimensional Door. This dimension of sight and sound requires some force to pass through, but when you do, you?ll come across This Old House?s Old Wall. Place the wooden planks against the missing spots on the wall to go into Batman?s Dojo. Punch through the sound effects to find the actuator which may let you experience the Infamous Infomercial. Stick the Ginsu Knives into the fruit to open the doors, and you may head up into The Opening Ceremonies. Spin the five Olympic rings and pass upwards into the CSI Forensics Lab. So many handprints, but which ones open the door? Turn the switch, and the place your hands upon the pair that glow in the dark to open the door down to Homer?s Hand. Place Homer?s fat fingers on the donut and you?ll pass into the Satellite of Love. Put Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, and Crow T. Robot in their respective seats in the Mystery Science Theater to go into Fox Mulder?s Office. Spin his office chair to open the X-Files and go down into Alias? CIA Disguise Parlor. Place the right wig on Sydney Bristow?s head to open the door to Dr. Who?s Tardis. Open up the jar of jelly babies to find the key to the Tardis which will let you go down into the You Can?t Do That on Television Locker Room. Open the lockers until you find the key to let you enter the Cheers Bar. Hop over the bar and pull the taps to pour the beer. Then race back through the Twighlight Zone?s Dimensional Door with today?s prop in hands to receive the motherload. Every room in The Cable Box has at least two doors, but not every one will open. Be aware of blocked routes and dead ends. Satellite interference will occur in three specific rooms. If it happens, fire your remote control to regain transmission, but be aware that afterwards your batteries will die. If you hit a second bout of interference, you will lose transmission and it will be your partner?s turn to try their luck. Somewhere in the Cable Box is an extra remote control; you may take it, or you can leave it for your partner. If you can reach the ottoman cushion, all the doors will instantly unlock and there will be no more satellite interference. If you can leave The Cable Box with today?s prop before three minutes has expired, you will both receive the Motherload. (Reads prizes)

KEN:
OK. When I give the signal, run up those stairs. Then get through The Cable Box and make your way towards Homer?s Hand to get that cushion. Be warned though, Philoh?s going to make you work for it. Mouthpieces in. Put three minutes on the clock. Philoh; unlock the door. On your mark. Get set. Go.

[The 49th Ronin]

Name of Artifact: The Ottoman Cushion of Rob Petrie
Season: 1
Layout: 1
Result: Lost Transmission
Time Remaining: N/A
Team: Discovery Silver
Remotes won: One
Location of Artifact: Homer's Hand
Cable Box Diagram:

Run Summary: Jo started by running into the Cable Box, immedeatly hitting satellite interference. That sure didn't bode well for the team. She proceeded up into Alias' CIA Disguise Parlor then into the Satellite of Love where she lost transmission. Ed ran in to try and finish the what Jo started by finishing the Satellite of Love, but the Cable Box made him curve all the way around Homer's Hand. With 24 seconds left on the clock, he hit the final bout of satellite interference in Batman's Dojo, thus ending his run. It was revealed afterwards that the extra remote was in he Cheers Bar, proving that the fastest route is not always the best.

Episode Highlights: The opening event was quite amusing to watch, partly because its entertaining to see people screw up simple addition, partly because Ken can think of almost nothing to comment about. MTV Red wipes out completely along the obstacle course in PPV event 3, costing them the win, but being quite funny to watch. Ken proves his love for MST3K when satellite interferenc occurs in the Satellite of Love; he says 'That's not movie sign! Get in there Ed!' Finally, when the run ends, you can't hear it but you can definately see Ed drop an F-Bomb.

Fanfic of a Fictional Show. Copyright Adam ''Carveyfan'' Jaspering. Special thanks go out for the room ideas to the appropriate people.

[OlmecsThrone]

Great job! I love this series, but I have one question: I know that losing transmission is the equivalent of a temple guard, but if this show were to be made on TV, what would losing transmission look like? What I mean is, what is the graphic equivalent of transmission loss to the players and to the home audience?

[DrThinker]

If I was in charge, it would be a small green orb that appears-but disappears when the contest fire.

[The Ancient Warrior]

I always figured the screen itself would turn to snow, only with the countdown clock, map and remotes left shown onscreen.

[OlmecsThrone]

I understand the visuals for the viewers, but what would it look like for the contestants?

[The Ancient Warrior]

Nothing? Any effects would come in after the run is over.  That's television for ya.

[OlmecsThrone]

I'd say the lights in the room would start flashing on and off and when the remote is used, they'd go back to normal.