And our countdown continues. Are your ears bleeding yet?
#80: “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” – Katy PerryReleased: 2011
Peak Position: #1
You just knew a Katy Perry song was coming eventually, didn’t you? In June 2011, Perry released this song, which reached #1, actually tying her with Michael Jackson for the most #1 songs off a single album. While this certainly should tell you how deep people’s tastes in pop music are these days, the lyrics paint a picture of the self-destructive lifestyle that Perry says is her version of “I Gotta Feeling”:
I smell like a minibarDJ's passed out in the yardBarbies on the barbecueIs this a hickey or a bruiseOkay, ‘Barbies on the barbecue’? Why are you roasting dolls on the grill, anyway? How drunk did you get last night? The song goes on to mention partying, drinking, streaking, skinny-dipping, and other things that we really don’t need to hear about in a song. This song may have been a commercial success for Perry, but it further establishes this “goofy slut” persona that God-knows-why she’s trying to keep up. Congratulations, Katy—you’ll now be labeled a whore for the rest of your life. I hope you’re happy.
#79: “A Milli” – Lil WayneReleased: 2008
Peak Position: #6
Lil Wayne is undoubtedly one of the most successful hip-hop artists of all time. This song released in 2008 off his sixth album,
Tha Carter III, continued his streak of dominance of the genre, and reached #1 on both the Rap and Hip-Hop charts. I’m not that big of a hip-hop fan, but it’s a pretty decent song, to tell you the truth. In fact, it wouldn’t even be on this list were it not for one lyric that irks me towards the beginning of the song. Check this out:
My criteria compared to your career, this isn’t fairI’m a venereal disease, like a menstrual bleedSay
what? You’re comparing yourself to gonorrhea or herpes? Why would you even want to do that in the first place? And just how are you like a ‘menstrual bleed’, of all things? I don’t listen to much hip-hop music, but isn’t talking about a woman’s certain time of the month a little bit much? This song really kills the mood right from the start, and it’s a great example of how choosing the wrong lyrics can turn an otherwise good song into an awesomely bad one.
#78: “Convoy” – C.W. McCallReleased: 1975
Peak Position: #1
In the late 1970’s, a big fad was Citizens Band, or “CB”, radio. The concept worked much like cell phones, except that there was a special “lingo” involved in speaking over the two-way radios—for example, instead of “okay”, you’d say “ten-four”. The fad died out by the early ‘80s, but not before CBs became staples in 18-wheeler trucks. In 1975, C.W. McCall released this ode to trucker talk, which became a #1 country and pop hit for him. While the lingo may have been funny back in the ‘70s, it just gets lost in translation when you listen to it today:
Yeah, Rubberduck, this is Sodbuster, come on thereYeah, ten-four SodbusterListen, you wanna put that microbus in behind that suicide jockey?Yeah, he’s haulin’ dynamite, and he needs all the help he can getFor those of you lost in translation (aka everyone): the two drivers want to move a 1967 VW bus behind a truck hauling explosives. This song uses so much specialized lingo, it’s a miracle it was as big a hit as what it was. But when you listen to it now, you literally have to look up every other word McCall says in order to understand what the hell’s going on. The song was fine for what it was back in the ‘70s, but when it comes to standing the test of time, it falls flat on its face.
#77: “She Bangs” – Ricky MartinReleased: 2000
Peak Position: #12
As a former member of a band named for tripe and hominy stew, Ricky Martin was an instant hit with the ladies, and managed to squeak out quite a few hits during the short-lived Latin music craze of the late ‘90s. However, this song, released a good year after his heyday was officially over, is undoubtedly his worst. The song’s title is stupid (seriously, it sounds like the title of a porn movie), and the inane lyrics sound as though they were run through Google Translator, before they perfected the system—both ways:
Man, if Lady Luck gets on my sideWe’re gonna rock this town aliveI’ll let her rough me up ‘til she knocks me out‘Cause she walks like she talks and she talks like she walksOw, my ears. Of course, this pile of crap will forever live in infamy thanks to another reason:
American Idol auditioner William Hung, who sung it trying to get onto the show, but didn’t even make it past the first round due to the judges booting him out for his subpar singing. But to tell you the truth, I'd listen to Hung's version before I’d listen to Ricky’s version—better to laugh than cry from your ears bleeding, right?
#76: “(Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection” – NelsonReleased: 1990
Peak Position: #1
In 1990, the twin sons of the late 1950’s teen idol Ricky Nelson released their first album, which contained this song, their only #1 hit. The lyrics are actually inspired by supermodel Cindy Crawford and what the boys would say to her if they met her in person. But looking at them, I’m so glad they never met her in person:
There she goes, no she don’t know what she’s missingCan’t she see I'll never give up the fightI’ll do all I can, she understands my desireYeesh…does it get more mind-numbingly cheesy than that? And guys, let me iterate something to you: if she “understands your desire”, but
still ignores you, SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU! Move on and forget about it—you’re never gonna get Cindy Crawford anyway, you long-haired whiners! Nelson live on, but thankfully, they aren’t making any new music. And even more thankfully, they cut their hair—that shit was so long, it needed its own zip code!
#75: “American Life” – MadonnaReleased: 2003
Peak Position: #37
The Material Girl is definitely one of the most respected musicians in the business today. Her music has sold millions of copies, and she has inspired many modern female singers to embark on music careers. But in 2003, the established diva from Bay City, Michigan released a song that made her sound so arrogant and awkward, it made many people question why they liked her in the first place. The lyrics of the song paint a picture of a desperate attempt of Ms. Ciccone to stay relevant:
I tried to say ahead, I tried to stay on topI tried to play the part, but somehow I forgotJust what I did it for and why I wanted moreThis type of modern life, is it for me?This type of modern life, is it for free?Le sigh. Look, Madonna, I can see what you’re trying to do, but this song’s execution is just horrendous. First of all, don’t tell us about all the cool shit that you have, and then say you’re not satisfied with it. It very well may be true, but here’s the thing: WE. DON’T. CARE. We’ve got better things to listen to than you whining about what you want or don’t want. And another thing—never rap again.
Ever.
#74: “The Safety Dance” – Men Without HatsReleased: 1983
Peak Position: #3
Released in 1983 by a new wave group who would probably win the award for the weirdest band name ever, this song hit #1 on the Dance charts in both the U.S. and their native Canada. But popular as it was, this song has one of the most annoying beats I’ve ever heard:
We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behindBecause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friends of mineI can see why an uninformed person might get confused by this song. Alienating people just because they don’t dance? Sounds kind of douche-y to me. And why is it “The Safety Dance”, exactly? What makes it any safer than any other dance? Or are the rumors true, and is this song really about safe sex? In truth, this song’s lyrics actually protest against club bouncers kicking people out for “pogoing”, which is basically jumping up and down while flailing your arms and legs around wildly, deemed “unsafe” in clubs at the time. But pogoing eventually led to mosh pits and slam dancing, which are ten times more dangerous, proving that people were getting all worked up over nothing. To add insult to injury (no pun intended), the music video is even more annoying than the song. What the hell does this song have to do with a renaissance fair in the first place?
#73: “Liquid Dreams” – O-TownReleased: 2000
Peak Position: #10
The “boy band” fad may have died out in the late ‘90s, but there were still a few stragglers hanging on for dear life, like this band, which was literally concocted as a reality show project in 2000. They released only two albums, and only two of their songs made the Top 40. This song, their debut, proved that while some people may have hated boy bands back in the ‘90s, they really hate them now. The band’s vocals are whiny, and the lyrics are not only sophomoric and boring, they’re downright nasty:
I dream about a girl who's a mix of Destiny's ChildJust a little touch Madonna's wild styleWith Janet Jackson's smile, throw in a body like Jennifer'sYou've got the star of my liquid dream (My liquid dream)O-Town’s albums were met with overwhelmingly negative reviews, and the band disbanded in 2003. Still, the band’s popularity with the public signaled a downturn in the quality of music in the 2000’s, and we can’t forgive them for polluting our ears with their disgustingly crappy music—all two songs of it.
#72: “Rumors” – Lindsay LohanReleased: 2004
Peak Position: Didn’t chart
99% of the world’s population probably wouldn’t care if Lindsay Lohan fell off the face of the earth. With all the DUI’s, drug abuse, and jail time she’s had, it’s only natural that she’s among one of the most maligned celebrities of recent years. So many people literally facepalmed when she released this song from her debut album. While Lohan’s whiny singing voice alone should merit this song’s inclusion on this list, the sheer irony of the lyrics further hammered home the fact that Lindsay needs to just go away:
Why can't you just let meDo the things I wanna doI just wanna be me I don't understand whyWould you wanna bring me downI'm only having funI'm gonna live my life(but not the way you want me to)You’re honestly singing about all the stuff that’s ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO YOU, and you’re saying it’s all rumors? Please—the press may be stupid, but they’re not BLIND. You know, you keep complaining about the press, but maybe if you, I don’t know,
clean up your act, they might leave you alone! To make matters even more unfathomable, this song was co-written by Michael Jackson’s brother, Tito. I suppose this proves success doesn’t always run in the family.
#71: “Undercover Angel” – Alan O’DayReleased: 1977
Peak Position: #1
Picture this: you’re laying in bed, a little lonely because your love life is crap, but otherwise minding your own business. Suddenly, a hot chick appears beside you and begs you to have sex with her. That’s pretty much the premise of this song’s opening lyrics, which will leave you scratching your head. The chorus is almost as bad, sounding like some kind of lascivious dream:
Undercover angel, midnight fantasyI never had a dream that made sweet love to meUndercover angel, the answer to my prayersYou made me know that there’s a love for me out there (somewhere)The song goes on to say how the narrator loses the girl, but not before she tells him to go find another girlfriend, and “when you look into her eyes, you’ll see me again”. Possessing other people’s bodies just to have relationships with them? This chick sounds more like a demon than an angel! Back all this with a bubblegum pop beat so cheesy it should be served over nachos, and you have the makings of the worst song Alan O’Day ever did. Thankfully, it was also the ONLY song he ever did, and for that, I’m eternally grateful to him.
Topic: The 100 Worst Songs of All Time (Read 9617 times)
