The Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen

[tss1011]

The Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen

(The camera maneuvers through a thick rainforest.  Eventually it makes its way to Olmec, who begins to speak.)

OLMEC: Legends of the Hidden Temple!  (Applause and title.) With your guide, Kirk Fogg!  And here he is NOW!

(On this last word, Olmec opens his mouth wide, revealing a cannon.  Kirk is shot out of the cannon, flying across the stage until he lands in the moat.  He climbs out of the moat, somehow completely dry.)

KIRK: Thank you very much, nice to see you!  (To Olmec) Nice to see you, Olmec.  (To audience) Welcome to Legends of the Hidden Temple!  The rooms are filled with lost treasures that are protected by mysterious Mayan temple guards.  Only Olmec knows the legends behind each of the treasures in his temple.  (To Olmec) Which one are we going to hear about today?

OLMEC: The legend of the Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen.

KIRK: Ah, the Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen!  Well, one of these six teams will have a chance to retrieve the shattered Sampo piece!  Will it be... (The camera pans across and pauses on each team.  Hold for applause as the teams all perform displays of machismo, except for the boy on Silver Snakes, who turns his back to the camera and farts loudly.)  The Red Jaguars?  The Blue Barracudas?  The Green Monkeys?  The Orange Iguanas?  The Purple Parrots?  Or the Silver Snakes?  (He audibly suppresses laughter after Silver?s introduction.)  They?re gonna have to pass some tough physical and mental tests, and in the end, only one team will have the right to enter Olmec's temple.  But first they?ll have to cross the moat, and Olmec will tell us how they'll have to do it today.

OLMEC: Before you lies a slippery footpath across the moat, and beside you are two ancient tiny bicycles.  When Kirk gives the signal, the first player will mount a bicycle then pedal their way across the moat.  Once the first player is safely across, then it will be your partner?s turn to mount the other bicycle and pedal across.  If you fall or touch the edges, you must go back and start again.  As soon as the second player has crossed, run over and hit the gong.  (Kirk hits one of the gongs.)  The first four teams to hit their gongs will go on to the next round!

KIRK:  All right.  Hey, teams, are you ready?

ALL TEAMS: YEAH!

KIRK: Olmec, are you ready?

OLMEC: Let?s get down!

KIRK: (Laughs) On your marks...get set...GO!

(The six teams slowly and carefully make their way across on the bicycles.  The Green Monkeys, Orange Iguanas, Purple Parrots and Silver Snakes all fall in.  The Blue Barracudas cross first, followed by the Red Jaguars.  The Silver Snakes come in third, and the Green Monkeys are last, while the second Orange Iguanas player is crossing and the second Purple Parrots player is heading back after falling in.)

KIRK:  We?ve got our four teams!  (Kirk walks over and stands next to the Silver Snakes.)  Nice work by the Silver Snakes!  Great job with those bicycles!  You had a little tough time falling in, but you made it.  Going on to the Steps of Knowledge are the Silver Snakes!  (Cut to each team, who cheers again.  Applause after each team.) And the Green Monkeys!  And the Blue Barracudas! And the Red Jaguars!  The Orange Iguanas and the Purple Parrots had a tough moat to cross, but they?re not going away empty-handed.  We?ve got a nice gift for ?em, and here?s what it is.

(They get a $50 savings bond from Alpo dog food.)

[tss1011]

KIRK: As the quest continues, it?s now time for Olmec to tell us about the Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen.  But teams, pay attention, because your knowledge of the legend can bring you a step closer to Olmec?s temple.

OLMEC: One of the greatest craftsmen of legendary Finland was Ilmarinen.  A skilled blacksmith, he was capable of creating practically anything out of a piece of metal.  But he was also lonely and unhappy, and desired a wife.  Legend has it that one day the enchantress Louhi journeyed from the land of Pohjola and approached him.

LOUHI: Word on the street is you?re an eligible bachelor.  Well, I offer you my daughter?s hand in marriage.

ILMARINEN: The look on your face?there?s gotta be a catch to this.

LOUHI: Yes, there is something I need you to build?

OLMEC: She wanted him to build a Sampo, a mill that could make gold out of thin air.  Ilmarinen refused, but Louhi would not back down so easily.  She conjured up a huge gust of wind that blew him to Pohjola, where she lived.

LOUHI: If you want to return to your homeland, then built me that Sampo!

OLMEC: Ilmarinen finally relented and set to work.  For four days he toiled, forging the metal, but was unable to successfully build the Sampo.

ILMARINEN: Let?s see, I?ve built a crossbow, a ship, a cow?nope, no Sampo yet.

OLMEC: Angry with his craftsmanship, he summoned the four winds to fan the flames.  The wind blew and blew, until finally the Sampo was created.  He hurried over to Louhi and presented it to her.

ILMARINEN:  I have done your bidding.  Now where is your daughter?

LOUHI: I?m sorry, but she doesn?t want to leave Pohjola.  She won?t marry you.

OLMEC: Ilmarinen was furious and broke his creation into a thousand pieces.  One of them mysteriously made its way to the temple.  Your quest is to find the Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen and bring it back here!

KIRK: Thanks a lot, Olmec.  So, where is this shattered Sampo piece?

OLMEC: The shattered Sampo piece can be found in the Room of the Mandarin Hand.

(Pan up to Room of the Mandarin Hand.  Close-up on artifact.)

KIRK: All right, teams, you?re now standing on the Steps of Knowledge.  In a minute, Olmec?s going to ask you a question.  If you think you know the answer, I want you to stomp down on the ancient marking in front of you.  If you?re right, you?ll move down to the next level.  But if you?re wrong or run out of time, I?m going to give the other teams a chance to answer.  (He walks down the steps.)  The first two teams to make it to the bottom level will be one step closer to Olmec?s temple.  (To Olmec)  Olmec, we?re now ready for your first question.

OLMEC: Was Ilmarinen a legendary hero of Russia, France, or Finland?

(The Red Jaguars ring in.)

RED JAGUARS: Finland.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Red Jaguars move down to the second step.)

OLMEC: Was Ilmarinen a weaver, a blacksmith, or-

(The Blue Barracudas ring in.)

BLUE BARRACUDAS: A blacksmith.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Blue Barracudas move down to the second step.)

OLMEC: Did Ilmarinen desire a wife, a herd of cattle, or a beach house?

(The Silver Snakes ring in.)

SILVER SNAKES: A wife.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Silver Snakes move down to the second step.)

OLMEC: Was Ilmarinen approached by a salesman, an enchantress, or-

(The Blue Barracudas ring in.)

BLUE BARRACUDAS: An enchantress.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Blue Barracudas move down to the third step.)

OLMEC: In exchange for building the Sampo, did Louhi the Enchantress offer Ilmarinen her daughter?s hand in marriage, a magic wand, or-

(The Green Monkeys ring in.)

GREEN MONKEYS: Her daughter.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Green Monkeys move down to the second step.)

OLMEC: According to legend, could the Sampo turn its owner invisible, grant three wishes, or create gold out of thin air?

(The Silver Snakes ring in.)

SILVER SNAKES: Create gold out of thin air.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Silver Snakes move down to the third step.)

OLMEC: How many days did Ilmarinen work to forge the Sampo?  Was it four, seven, or forty?

(The Red Jaguars ring in.)

RED JAGUARS: Four.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Red Jaguars move down to the third step.)

OLMEC: When Ilmarinen could not build the Sampo, did he-

(The Silver Snakes ring in before Olmec reads the choices.)

SILVER SNAKES: Pass wind? (The boy cracks up.)

OLMEC: That is NOT one of our three choices.  The three choices are: did he enslave the dwarves, summon the four winds, or build a bigger fire?

(The Blue Barracudas ring in.)

BLUE BARRACUDAS: Summon the four winds.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Blue Barracudas reach the bottom step.)

KIRK: And it?s the Blue Barracudas!  Nice job, guys.  We?ve still got a close race.  Who will join them in the temple games, the Red Jaguars, the Green Monkeys, or the silly Silver Snakes?  (To Olmec) Olmec, next question.

OLMEC: Did Louhi the Enchantress live in Pohjola, Narnia, or Mordor?

(The Green Monkeys ring in.)

GREEN MONKEYS: Pohjola.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Green Monkeys move down to the third step.)

OLMEC: When Ilmarinen found out that Louhi?s daughter would not marry him, did he-

(The Silver Snakes ring in, again before Olmec reads the choices.)

SILVER SNAKES: Break the Sampo into a thousand pieces.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(The Silver Snakes reach the bottom step.)

KIRK: We?ve got our two teams!  It?s the Blue Barracudas and the Silver Snakes!  They rang in early again, but it paid off for ?em that time, and they broke the three-way tie!  (To losing teams) Red Jaguars, Green Monkeys, come on down.  (The Green Monkeys move down and join the Red Jaguars at the third step.)  Both of you gave it a great effort.  You aren?t going away empty-handed.  We?ve got a great gift for you, and here?s what it is.

(They get ?Legends? Monopoly, featuring Kirk as Rich Uncle Pennybags.)

KIRK: These two teams will be playing for the right to enter Olmec?s temple, and they?ll do it right after this!

[tss1011]

KIRK:  Welcome back to Legends!  Now the glory goes to the fastest and the strongest.  But before we get started, let?s dive into the minds and lives of our team players.  On the Blue Barracudas, we have Matt.  He plays baseball and also plays guitar in a rock band.  And Shannon, she?s on a dance team and wants to be a model.  Let?s hear it for the Blue Barracudas!

(Hold for applause.)

KIRK: And on the Silver Snakes, we have Flavia.  She plays Ultimate Frisbee and wants to be a veterinarian.  And Andy, he has three dogs and plays competitive video games.  Let?s hear it for the Silver Snakes!

(Hold again for applause.)

KIRK: (Gesturing first to Flavia and Matt, then Andy and Shannon).  Why don?t you guys get set up for the first game, and you guys get ready for the second game, and I?ll tell you what?s about to happen.  (To audience)  In the temple games, teams are competing for Pendants of Life.  (Kirk pulls a pendant out of his pouch and shoves it in front of the camera.)  They?re gonna need those pendants to protect themselves from the dreaded temple guards as they make their way through the temple.  There are three temple games.  (To Olmec) Olmec, tell us about temple game number one.

OLMEC: Ilmarinen was known throughout Finland as the greatest blacksmith of all.  But to keep that reputation he had to work constantly on his craft.  Before you lie four pieces of metal, and between each one is a swinging hammer.  When Kirk gives the signal, run out, grab a piece of metal, and bring it back without getting hit by a hammer.  Then place it in your bin, run out, and grab the next one!  The first player to grab all four pieces of metal or the player with the most pieces of metal at the end of 60 seconds wins.

KIRK:  Stop!  Hammer time!  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen.)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Game begins.  Both Flavia and Matt grab the first piece of metal without getting hit.  When they go back for the second one, Flavia gets hit but Matt does not.  Matt gets hit going back for the third piece of metal, but on his next try he grabs it.  He ends up winning the game 3 to 2, getting hit twice trying to get the final piece.  Flavia makes an attempt to tie the game in the final seconds, but a hammer hits her.)

KIRK: Time?s up!  Come on over here.  (Flavia and Matt step over to Kirk.)  Looks like Hammer was hurting ?em.  But let?s see how many pieces of metal they got.  The Silver Snakes got (counting the metals in the basket) one?two!  And the Blue Barracudas got (counting again) one?two?three!  That gives the Blue Barracudas the Half-Pendant of Life!  (Applause.)  The Silver Snakes can come back in the next game.  It?s also worth a half-pendant. (To Olmec) Olmec, tell us about temple game number two.

OLMEC: After four days of work, Ilmarinen successfully built the Sampo by summoning the four winds.  You are about to summon them as well!  Before you stands a large wall with holes.  When Kirk gives the signal, use your pegs to pull yourself up the wall, and look for the hole that will activate the first wind.  When you find it, climb up and look for the hole that will unleash the second wind.  The first player to summon all four winds or the player who?s further along at the end of 60 seconds wins.

KIRK:  Time to summon some winds.  (Looks at Andy on the Silver Snakes.)  No, not THOSE winds.  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen.)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Game begins.  Neither is exceptionally strong or fast, but Andy edges out Shannon to summon all four winds with 7 seconds to go.)

KIRK:  He did it!  It?s over!  Come on down.  (Andy and Shannon come down and spotters release them from their harnesses.)  Great climbing by both of you guys!  It was a close race, but Andy summoned the four winds first, giving the Silver Snakes the Half-Pendant of Life!  (Applause.)  So it?s all tied up here.  The Blue Barracudas and Silver Snakes have a half-pendant each.  It all comes down to our third and final game.  It?s worth a full pendant.  (To Olmec) Olmec, tell us about temple game number three.

OLMEC:  When Louhi the Enchantress broke her promise to let Ilmarinen marry her daughter, Ilmarinen was so angry he destroyed his Sampo.  When Kirk gives the signal, grab a boulder and toss it to your partner, who will then fly over and drop it on top of the Sampo pieces.  Then go back for another boulder and do it again!  The first team to destroy the entire Sampo or the team who?s further along at the end of 60 seconds wins.

KIRK: This game will decide who gets to go to the temple, so let?s get to it.  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen.)  On your marks?get set?GO!

(Game begins.  The Blue Barracudas develop a better team rhythm than the Silver Snakes and destroy all their Sampo pieces with 0:27 to spare.)

KIRK:  That?s it!  Come on back!  (He walks over to the contestants.)  Wow!  No problem at all for the Blue Barracudas.  I liked their teamwork.  They knocked down all the whole Sampo first, meaning they get the full Pendant of Life!  (Applause.)  So the Blue Barracudas have a pendant and a half.  The Silver Snakes only got a half.  The Blue Barracudas are going to the temple!  (Applause.)  The Silver Snakes gave it a great effort.  They were a lot of fun to have on the show.  They aren?t going away empty handed.  We?ve got a great gift for ?em, and here?s what it is.

(They get a ?Road House? DVD.)

KIRK: We?ll see if the Blue Barracudas can make it through Olmec?s temple and retrieve the Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen, right after this!

[tss1011]

KIRK: Welcome back to Legends.  Matt and Shannon have proved themselves worthy and now have earned the right to enter Olmec?s temple.  But before they get started, we?re going to give them some information to help them retrieve the Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen.

OLMEC: You could start by running up the stairs to the Room of the Royal Gongs.  Hit the correct gong and pass into the Hanging Gardens.  Climb the vines across the pit and enter the King?s Storeroom.  Smash the clay pots to find the key that will lead you into the Room of the Mandarin Hand.  Curl the fingers around the ball and pass into the Room of the Ancient Warriors.  Place yourself in the correct armor and open the door to the Shriiiiiiiiiine of the Siiiiiiiiilver Moooooonkey.  Assemble the statue and you may be headed for the Bird Sanctuary.  Open the correct beak and you?ll gain access to the Pharaoh?s Secret Passage.  Climb down the tunnel to the Quicksand Bog where you could smash through to the Dark Forest.  But bewaaaaaaaare the Temple Guards that may inhabit the trees!  Find the key in the tree and you?ll enter the Cyclops? Den.  Place the correct jewel in the statue?s eye and pass into the Room of Harmonic Convergence.  Stand on the right two steps to open the doors.  Then race through the pit, climb through the Ledges, race down the stairs and back through the temple gate.  The choices are yours and yours alone!  You won one and a half pendants in the temple games.  Who?s going first?

SHANNON: I am!

OLMEC: Very well, Shannon.  When Kirk gives the signal, you?ll race through the gates into the temple and make your way towards the shattered Sampo piece.  Hidden inside the temple are temple guards assigned to protect three specific rooms.  You can trade your pendant for an extra life and go on, but if you?re caught without a pendant, you?ll be taken out of the temple, and it will be Matt?s turn to enter and try his luck.  Hidden somewhere in the temple is the other half of your pendant.  If you can find it and you?re carrying the other half, you will get an extra life.  If you can reach the Sampo piece, all the doors of the temple will instantly unlock, and the temple guards will vanish.  Return through the gates with the Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen in three minutes and you will both be handsomely rewarded?and here?s how!

(Dee reads the prizes: a set of golf clubs, a flat-screen TV, and a trip to the Bahamas.)

KIRK:  Okay, let?s find out if the Blue Barracudas will be vacationing in the Bahamas.  All right, Shannon.  Put your mouthpiece in.  (To Olmec) Lower your gate, Olmec!

(Olmec lowers the gate, moaning orgasmically.)

KIRK: Let?s put three minutes on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen.)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Shannon runs through the gate and up to the Room of the Royal Gongs.  A temple guard comes out of the side door and takes her pendant before she can begin the objective.  Stunned for a couple of seconds, she begins hitting the gongs.  The last one opens the door to the Hanging Gardens, and she enters with 2:40 to go.)

(In the Hanging Gardens, she slowly pulls herself across the three vines and lands on the platform in front of the door to the King?s Storeroom.  She opens the door and enters the room with 2:16 left.)

(She smashes all three pots then looks for the key.  After a few seconds she finds it and unlocks the door to the Room of the Ancient Warriors using the first pedestal she tries.  She enters with 1:59 on the clock.)

(The middle suit of armor opens the door to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey.  She passes into the Shrine with 1:47 to go.)

(She grabs the pieces of the monkey one at a time, accidentally dropping the base on the floor.  She puts the base on the pedestal but doesn?t quite shove it all the way down.  She grabs the middle but doesn?t realize that it is upside down until after a few seconds.  After putting it on top of the base, she goes back for the head.  Realizing she has to shove the base and middle all the way down, she does so then jams on the head.  The door to the Dark Forest opens.  Shannon climbs down the ladder and enters the Forest with 1:06 remaining.)

(She reaches into the stage-left tree.  The tree grabs her, bellowing, ?Come here!?)

(Matt runs in to take over with 1:02 left.  He is much faster and more confident than Shannon.  He makes it to the Dark Forest with 0:33 on the clock.)

(He reaches into the stage-right tree and finds the key.  After searching around for a couple of seconds, he finds the door to the Cyclops? Den and unlocks it.  He enters the room with 0:19 left.)

(He does his best to complete the objective, but he only gets to try the first two jewels on the statue before time runs out.)

KIRK: Oh, tough luck!  He got stuck in the Cyclops? Den!  But he did a great job.  Shannon cleared a nice path out for him.  They were just two rooms away! Both of you guys still get the golf clubs.  Maybe you?ll hit the green after the show.  (To audience) We don?t want to go, but we?re out of time.  Join us again next time for another great Legend of the Hidden Temple!  Buh-bye!

(Credits roll.)

[tss1011]

Name of Artifact: The Shattered Sampo Piece of Ilmarinen
Season: 4
Layout: 10
Result: Ran out of time
Time Remaining: N/A
Team: Blue Barracudas
Pendants won: 1.5
Location of Artifact: The Room of the Mandarin Hand



Artifacts hidden at the center of the temple are always difficult to reach, but it is especially tough when the team has to approach the room from below.  This layout defeated yet another team here.  The frontrunner, Shannon, was a hesitant player, lacking the abilities to back up her looks, which rivaled those of the infamous Kelly (although Shannon was not as dumb, judging by her use of the Shrine/Forest ladder).  After much difficulty in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, she descended into the Dark Forest, where a temple spirit removed her.  Matt was much faster than his partner and did his best to make up for lost time in the minute and two seconds that he had.  Unfortunately, time ran out when he was in the Cyclops? Den.

Fanfic by T. Scott Smith.  Temple diagram and episode summary in the style of nicklegends.

[Bluebarracuda7]

I loved the Hammer time joke!