The Golden Baton of Richard Wagner

[tss1011]

The Golden Baton of Richard Wagner

(The camera maneuvers through a thick rainforest, eventually making its way to Olmec.)

OLMEC:
Legends of the Hidden Temple!  (Applause.  Title appears on screen) With your guide, Kirk Fogg!  And here he is NOW!

(On this last word, Olmec opens his mouth wide, revealing a cannon.  Kirk is shot out of the cannon, flying across the stage until he lands in the moat.  He climbs out of the moat, somehow completely dry.)

KIRK:
Thank you very much, nice to see you!  (to Olmec) Nice to see you, Olmec.  (to audience) Welcome to Legends of the Hidden Temple!  The rooms are filled with lost treasures that are protected by mysterious Mayan temple guards.  Only Olmec knows the legends behind each of the treasures in his temple.  (to Olmec) Which one are we going to hear about today?

OLMEC:
The legend of the Golden Baton of Richard Wagner.

KIRK:
Ah yes, the Golden Baton of Richard Wagner!  Well, one of these six teams will have a chance to retrieve the Golden Baton.  Will it be... (the camera pans across and pauses on each team; hold for applause as the teams perform a series of over-the-top high-fives.)  The Red Jaguars?  The Blue Barracudas?  The Green Monkeys?  The Orange Iguanas?  The Purple Parrots?  Or the Silver Snakes?  They're gonna have to pass some pretty tough physical and mental tests, and in the end, only one team will have the right to enter Olmec's temple.  But first they'll have to cross the moat, and Olmec will tell us how they'll have to do it today.

OLMEC: Before you stand two ancient wooden planks, and at your feet rests a rope.  When Kirk gives the signal, both partners will tie the rope around their waists, then step onto the two planks and mirror each other, making their way across to the opposite side.  If one of you falls, you must both go back and begin again.  As soon as both players have both feet on the ground, run over and hit the gong.  (Kirk hits the gong)  The first four teams to hit their gongs will go on to the next round!

KIRK:  All right, let's get started.  Teams, are you ready?

ALL TEAMS: YEAH!

KIRK: Senor Olmec, are you ready?

OLMEC: Let?s rock!

KIRK: On your marks...get set...GO!

(Event begins.  All teams tie the rope around their waists and slowly walk sideways across the planks.  No one falls.  The Blue Barracudas ring in first, followed by the Red Jaguars, then the Silver Snakes, then finally the Orange Iguanas.)

KIRK:  That?s it, we?ve got our four teams!  (walks over and stands next to Silver Snakes).  Wow, I like these teams, they all did a great job!  But going onto the Steps of Knowledge are the Silver Snakes!  (cut to each team, who cheers again) And the Orange Iguanas!  And the Blue Barracudas!  And the Red Jaguars!  The Green Monkeys and the Purple Parrots gave it a great effort.  They?re not going away empty-handed.  We?ve got a great gift for ?em, and here?s what it is.

(They get a $50 savings bond for Lunchables.)

[tss1011]

KIRK: As the quest continues, it?s now time for Olmec to tell us about the Golden Baton of Richard Wagner.  But teams, pay attention, because your knowledge of the legend can bring you a step closer to Olmec?s temple.

OLMEC: One of the greatest composers of all time was the German Richard Wagner.  In the 19th century he wrote revolutionary operas that were on a much grander scale than those of his predecessors.  His artistic goal was to create the Gesamtkunstwerk, or total work of art, combining music, poetry, and visual art to create a compelling drama.  But he was also very demanding on those who worked for him.  Legend has it that one day at Wagner?s opera house in Bayreuth, his assistant, Hans von Bulow, had had enough.

BULOW: I work und work for you, und all you do is tell me I destroy your vision!  But I can still play a better piano than you!

WAGNER: You wanna bet on that?

OLMEC: Wagner and Bulow made a wager, and the loser would have to buy the winner a golden conducting baton.  The two agreed to a piano-playing contest the next day.  Wagner knew that Bulow was a much better pianist, but the clever composer came up with a plan to defeat him and claim the prize.

BULOW: You?re going down, Rickie-Boy!

OLMEC: But as soon as Wagner sat down, he unleashed a flurry of fast notes and played so formidably that Bulow gave up before he even sat down at the piano bench.

BULOW: I forfeit!  You have proven once again that you are a master!  Tell me, how do you keep up your chops?
WAGNER: Oh, I have my ways?

OLMEC: As it turns out, it wasn?t really Wagner.  He had hired a nearby pianist to wear a disguise and impersonate him.  Bulow used his latest paycheck to buy a golden baton, and the real Wagner accepted it and kept it at his home.  After he died it found its way to the temple.  Your goal is to find the Golden Baton of Richard Wagner and bring it back here!

KIRK: Thanks, Olmec.  So tell us, where is this Golden Baton?

OLMEC: The Golden Baton of Richard Wagner can be found in the Quicksand Bog.  (Pan down to Quicksand Bog.  Close-up on artifact.)

KIRK: All right, teams, you?re now standing on the Steps of Knowledge.  In a minute, Olmec?s going to ask you a question.  If you think you know the answer, I want you to stomp down on the ancient marking in front of you.  If you?re right, you?ll move down to the next level.  But if you?re wrong or run out of time, I?m going to give the other teams a chance to answer.  (Walks down the steps)  The first two teams to make it to the bottom level will be one step closer to Olmec?s temple.  (to Olmec)  Olmec, we?re now ready for your first question.

OLMEC: Was Richard Wagner from Germany, Hungary, or Russia?

(Orange Iguanas ring in)

ORANGE IGUANAS: Germany.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Orange Iguanas step down)

OLMEC: Did Wagner compose jingles, waltzes, or operas?

(Blue Barracudas ring in)

BLUE BARRACUDAS: Operas.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Blue Barracudas step down)

OLMEC: Was Wagner infamous for being, indecisive, demanding, or-

(Orange Iguanas ring in)

ORANGE IGUANAS: Demanding.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Orange Iguanas step down again)

OLMEC: Was Wagner?s opera house in-

(Blue Barracudas ring in)

BLUE BARRACUDAS: Germany.

OLMEC: That is not one of our three choices.  The three choices are: Berlin, Bonn, or Bayreuth?

(Silver Snakes ring in)

SILVER SNAKES: Bayreuth.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Silver Snakes step down)

OLMEC: Was Wagner?s assistant named Hans von Bulow, Franz Schubert, or-

(Red Jaguars ring in)

RED JAGUARS: Hans von Bulow.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Red Jaguars step down)

OLMEC: Was Wagner?s musical ideal called a Gesamtkunstwerk, Smorgasbord, or Doppelganger?

(Silver Snakes ring in)

SILVER SNAKES: Doppelganger.

OLMEC: Incorrect.

(Red Jaguars ring in)

RED JAGUARS: Gesamtkunstwerk.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Red Jaguars step down again)

OLMEC: Does Gesamtkunstwerk mean ?benevolent overlord?, ?total work of art?, or-
(Blue Barracudas ring in)

BLUE BARRACUDAS: Total work of art.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Blue Barracudas step down again)

OLMEC: According to our legend, did Wagner and Bulow challenge each other to a chili cook-off, a-

(Orange Iguanas ring in)

ORANGE IGUANAS: A piano contest.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Orange Iguanas reach the bottom step)

OLMEC: Did Wagner win the challenge by strengthening his hands, buying a new piano, or-

(Blue Barracudas ring in)

BLUE BARRACUDAS: Hiding?

OLMEC: That is not one of our three choices.  The three choices are-

(Red Jaguars ring in)

RED JAGUARS: Having someone play for him in disguise?

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Red Jaguars reach the bottom step)

KIRK: We?ve got our two teams!  It?s the Red Jaguars and the Orange Iguanas!  Blue Barracudas and Silver Snakes, come on down.  (They both step down one level.)  You guys gave it a great effort too; you?re not going away empty-handed.  We?ve got a great gift for you, and here?s what it is.

(They get Sqand, spelled with no ?u?.)

KIRK: These two teams will be playing for the right to enter Olmec?s temple, and they?ll do it right after this!

[tss1011]

KIRK:  Welcome back to Legends!  Now the glory goes to the fastest and the strongest.  But before we get started, I?d like to meet our team players.  On the Red Jaguars we have Hunter; he plays baseball and wants to be an actor.  And Teri, she raises kittens and wants to be a model.  We?ve got a showbiz team here, let?s hear it for the Red Jaguars!

(Hold for applause)

And on the Orange Iguanas we have Caroline, she reads mystery novels and plays tennis, and Billy, he practices tae kwon do and wants to be a marine biologist.  Let?s hear it for the Orange Iguanas!

(Hold again for applause)

(To contestants, gesturing off-camera)  Why don?t you get set up for your games, and I?ll tell you what?s going to happen.  (To audience)  In the temple games, teams are competing to win Pendants of Life.  (Pulls pendant out of his pouch and shoves it in front of the camera)  They?re gonna need those pendants to protect themselves from the dreaded temple guards as they make their way through the temple.  There are three temple games.  (To Olmec) Olmec, tell us about temple game number one.

OLMEC: Richard Wagner was a perfectionist who worked hard on each of his operas.  In this game you are going to help him compose.  Before you stands a maze with manuscripts of Wagner?s operas.  When Kirk gives the signal, crawl through the maze, pop through the first hole and grab the manuscript you find.  Then go onto the next hole.  If the manuscript you find there matches the one you already have, then place the pair in your basket.  Otherwise, swap your manuscript for the one you find and go onto the next hole.  The first player to complete all three operas or the player who?s further along at the end of 60 seconds wins.

KIRK: Composing made easy, right?  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Teri and Caroline crawl into the maze.  Neither manages to complete all their manuscripts, but Teri beats Caroline 2 to 1, having found the pairs for both ?Tannhauser? and ?Lohengrin?.)

KIRK: That?s it!  Come on out of there (They both climb out of the maze and stand next to Kirk.)  They?re tired from all that writing, let?s see how many pairs they have.  The Orange Iguanas got one, and the Red Jaguars got one?two!  That means the Red Jaguars get the Half-Pendant of Life!  (Applause)  Orange Iguanas can catch up in the next game.  It?s worth a half-pendant.  (To Olmec) Olmec, tell us about temple game number two.

OLMEC: According to our legend, Wagner won the bet with Hans von Bulow by sending a pianist in disguise.  You are about to give him his disguise.  When Kirk gives the signal, swing out and grab an article of clothing, then swing back to the pianist and place it on him.  Then swing back out and grab another piece of clothing.  The first player to complete the disguise or the player who?s further along at the end of 60 seconds wins.

KIRK: Let?s see if our teams can dress him up.  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Both Hunter and Billy move quickly, but Hunter has the slight edge throughout and wins with 0:33 remaining, while Billy is going back for the last piece of the disguise.)

KIRK: That?s it, it?s over!  Come on over!  (Billy and Hunter are released from their harnesses, then walk over to Kirk.)  Whoa, great job, both of you guys were blazing! But it looks like Hunter got all five pieces of clothing.  That means the Red Jaguars get the Half-Pendant of Life!  (Applause)  Red Jaguars have a full pendant; Orange Iguanas don?t have any yet but they can come back and tie it up in the next game.  It?s worth a full pendant.  (To Olmec)  Olmec, tell us about temple game number three.

OLMEC: Wagner built himself an enormous opera house at Bayreuth that took him years to complete.  Fortunately, you only have to help him for one minute.  You and your partner are tethered to each other through a wall.  When Kirk gives the signal, the first player will grab a boulder then toss it over the wall.  Then your partner will catch it and throw it in their basket.  The team with the most boulders in their basket at the end of 60 seconds wins.

KIRK: Time to do some heavy lifting for Wagner.  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen)  On your marks?get set?GO!

(Both teams struggle at first, failing to find the rhythm between partners, but improve a little as the game goes on.  The game ends in a 2-2 tie.)

KIRK:  Time?s up!  It was a close match, let?s see who won.  The Orange Iguanas have one?two, and the Red Jaguars have one?two!  It?s a tie; they each get the pendant, giving the Red Jaguars two and the Orange Iguanas one.  The Red Jaguars are going to the temple!  (Cheers and applause)  The Orange Iguanas gave it a great effort too.  They?re not going away empty handed.  We?ve got a great gift for ?em, and here?s what it is.

(They get Hush Puppies, the most comfortable shoes in the whole?wide?world!)

KIRK: We?ll see if the Red Jaguars can make it through Olmec?s temple and retrieve the Golden Baton of Richard Wagner, right after this!

[tss1011]

KIRK: Welcome back to Legends.  Hunter and Teri have proven themselves worthy and now have earned the right to enter Olmec?s temple.  But before they get started, Olmec?s going to give them some information to help them retrieve the Golden Baton of Richard Wagner.

OLMEC: You could start by running up the stairs to the Room of the Royal Gongs.  Hit the correct gong and pass into the Hanging Gardens.  Climb the vines across the pit and enter the King?s Storeroom.  Smash the clay pots to find the key that will lead you into the Room of the Mandarin Hand.  Curl the fingers around the ball and pass into the Room of the Ancient Warriors.  Place yourself in the correct armor and open the door to the Shriiiiiiiiiine of the Siiiiiiiiilver Moooooonkey.  Assemble the statue and you may be headed for the Bird Sanctuary.  Open the correct beak and you?ll gain access to the Pharaoh?s Secret Passage.  Climb down the tunnel to the Quicksand Bog where you could smash through to the Dark Forest.  But bewaaaaaaaare the Temple Guards that may inhabit the trees!  Find the key in the tree and you?ll enter the Cyclops? Den.  Place the correct jewel in the statue?s eye and pass into the Room of Harmonic Convergence.  Stand on the right two steps to open the doors.  Then race through the pit, climb through the Ledges, race down the stairs and back through the temple gate.  The choices are yours and yours alone!  You won two pendants in the temple games.  Who?s going first?

TERI: I am!

OLMEC: Very well, Teri.  When Kirk gives the signal, you?ll race through the gates into the temple and make your way towards the Golden Baton.  Hidden inside the temple are temple guards assigned to protect three specific rooms.  You can trade your pendant for an extra life and go on, but if you?re caught without a pendant, you?ll be taken out of the temple, and it will be Hunter?s turn to enter and try his luck.  If you can reach the baton, all the doors of the temple will instantly unlock, and the temple guards will vanish.  Return through the gates with the Golden Baton of Richard Wagner in three minutes and you will both be handsomely rewarded?and here?s how!

(Dee Baker reads the prizes: a foosball table, a digital encyclopedia, and a trip to Finland.)

KIRK: All right, Teri just said she wanted to go to Finland, so let?s get her there!  (To Teri)  Get in position, put your mouthpiece in.  (to Olmec) Let?s lower the gate!

(Olmec lowers the gate, moaning orgasmically.)

KIRK: Put three minutes on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Teri runs through the gate and descends into the Ledges, crawling into the Hanging Gardens with 2:46 to go.)

(She scales the wall rather slowly and tries to open the doors to the King?s Storeroom and the Room of the Mandarin Hand.  When neither opens, she grabs a vine, shimmies down and enters the Room of Harmonic Convergence with 2:23 left.)

(She tries all combinations of steps and the third one works.  The door to the Cyclops? Den does not open so she is forced to climb into the Room of the Mandarin Hand, entering with 2:05 left.)

(A temple guard takes Teri?s pendant.  She is slightly fazed, but then composes herself ?Kirk makes the pun- and curls the hand?s fingers around the ball.  The door to the Room of the Ancient Warriors does not open, so she is again forced to climb up, entering the King?s Storeroom with 1:49 to go.)

(She smashes all three pots and the third one has the key.  The second pedestal opens the door, and she passes into the Room of the Ancient Warriors with 1:34 remaining.)

(A temple guard captures her in the middle suit of armor, removing her from the temple with 1:25 on the clock.)

(Hunter runs into the temple, retraces Teri?s path through the Ledges and Hanging Gardens, reaching the Room of Harmonic Convergence at 1:06.)

(He scales the central shaft of the temple, climbing into the King?s Storeroom with 0:44 left.)

(Hunter enters the Room of the Ancient Warriors.  He reaches for the closes suit of armor before looking over and realizing the door is open, entering the Shrine of the Silver Monkey at 0:32.)

(Hunter looks around for a moment, then realizes what to do.  He grabs the base, places it on the pedestal, then he goes back for the middle, having a somewhat tough time with it before he aligns it with the base.  Then he goes back for the head, jamming it on with 0:02 on the clock.  Time expires as he runs into the Bird Sanctuary.)

KIRK: OH!  Time?s up!  He was just one room away!  He still did a great job, though.  Teri did a great job too.  And they still get the foosball table.  We gotta get out of here; join us again next time for another great Legend of the Hidden Temple!  Buh-bye!

(End credits roll)

[tss1011]

Name of Artifact: The Golden Baton of Richard Wagner
Season: 4
Layout: 10
Result: Ran out of time
Time Remaining: N/A
Team: Red Jaguars
Pendants won: 2
Location of Artifact: The Quicksand Bog



This was a very difficult layout, as it forced the team to climb all the way up the central shaft of the temple.  Sadly, the Red Jaguars couldn?t rise to the occasion (no pun intended).  Teri, the frontrunner, moved at a moderate pace until she was taken out in the Room of the Ancient Warriors.  Her partner, Hunter, wasn?t too much faster, and additionally ran into trouble in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, where had difficulty aligning the middle part of the statue.  Time ran out just as he was heading into the Bird Sanctuary.