The Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell

[tss1011]

THE HORSE-TRAMPLED HAT OF OLIVER CROMWELL

(The camera maneuvers through a thick rainforest, eventually making its way to Olmec.)

OLMEC:
Legends of the Hidden Temple!  (applause) With your guide, Kirk Fogg!  And here he is NOW!

(On this last word, Olmec opens his mouth wide, revealing a cannon.  Kirk is shot out of the cannon, flying across the stage until he lands in the moat.  He climbs out of the moat, somehow completely dry.)

KIRK:
Thank you very much, nice to see you!  (to Olmec) Nice to see you, Olmec.  (to audience) Welcome to Legends of the Hidden Temple!  The rooms are filled with lost treasures that are protected by mysterious Mayan temple guards.  Only Olmec knows the legends behind each of the treasures in his temple.  (to Olmec) Which one are we going to hear about today?

OLMEC:
The legend of the Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell.

KIRK:
Whoa, the Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell!  Well, one of these six teams will have a chance to retrieve the Horse-Trampled Hat.  Will it be... (the camera pans across and pauses on each team; hold for applause as the teams perform various cheers, head-butts, muscle flexes, "we're no. 1" gestures, etc.)  The Red Jaguars?  The Blue Barracudas?  The Green Monkeys?  The Orange Iguanas?  The Purple Parrots?  Or the Silver Snakes?

(cut to Kirk)

They're gonna have to pass some pretty tough physical and mental tests, and in the end, only one team will have the right to enter Olmec's temple.  But first they'll have to cross the moat, and Olmec will tell us how they'll have to do it today.

(cut to Olmec)

OLMEC: Before you floats a series of ancient platforms.  When Kirk gives the signal, the first player will jump across the platforms to the opposite side.  Once you have reached the other side, that will be your partner's signal to cross.  If you fall or touch the platforms with your hands, you must go back and begin again.  As soon has the second player has crossed, run over and hit the gong.  (Kirk hits the gong)  The first four teams to hit their gongs will go on to the next round!

KIRK:  All right, let's get started.  Teams, are you ready?

ALL TEAMS: YEAH!

KIRK: Olmec, are you ready?

OLMEC: Let's get jumpin'!

KIRK: On your marks...get set...GO!

(Event begins.  Kirk makes the inevitable Super Mario Bros. remark.  It is a close race save the Orange Iguanas, who keep landing too close to the edges and falling.  Green Monkeys ring in first, followed by the Red Jaguars, then the Purple Parrots.  Finally, the Silver Snakes just barely edge out the Blue Barracudas.  Kirk walks over to the Silver Snakes and stands next to them.)

KIRK: What a great race, neck and neck until the very end!  But the Silver Snakes came out on top!  Going onto the Steps of Knowledge are the Silver Snakes!  (cut to each team, who cheers again) And the Purple Parrots!  And the Green Monkeys!  And the Red Jaguars!  The Orange Iguanas and the Blue Barracudas gave it a great effort.  They?re not going away empty-handed.  We?ve got a great gift for ?em, and here?s what it is.

(They get a $50 savings bond for X-Treme Jello.)

[tss1011]

KIRK: As the quest continues, it?s now time for Olmec to tell us about the Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell.  But pay attention, teams, because your knowledge of the legend can bring you a step closer to Olmec?s temple.

OLMEC: One of the greatest revolutionaries of the English Civil War was Oliver Cromwell.  He was a gifted soldier and part of a group called the Roundheads, who believed that the king should rule with the consent of Parliament.  But in 1629 the tyrannical King Charles I dissolved Parliament to give himself more power.

KING: It is my God-given right to rule alone, you?re no better than a bunch of peasants!
CROMWELL: Nonsense!  I swear that one day those people will take your power away from you!

Many years later, Cromwell formed an army and launched a series of battles against the King?s troops.  Soon he led his men to the King?s palace, with the intent to capture him.

SOLDIER: What do you expect us to do, grow wings and fly inside?
CROMWELL: Stand back and watch, lad.

Cromwell charged forth on his horse towards the palace, avoiding musket fire.  He leaped off his horse into the air and grabbed onto the wall.  Climbing up, his hat fell off and hit the ground below, where an enemy troop?s horse stepped on it.

CROMWELL: Blast!  That was my favorite hat!

But Cromwell continued and made it all the way over the wall.  He entered the palace and soon found the King cowering in a corner.

CROMWELL: Come now, I at least expected a fight.
KING: I surrender!  I oblige to any of your demands!
CROMWELL: Well, I would like a new hat?

Cromwell took control of England for the next 10 years but refused to be crowned King, giving himself instead the title of Lord Protector.  To show that he was a commoner, instead of taking a crown he continued to wear his hat.  His old one ended up in the temple.  Your quest is to find the Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell and bring it back here!

KIRK: Thanks a lot, Olmec.  So tell us, where is this Horse-Trampled Hat?

OLMEC: The Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell can be found in the King?s Storeroom.  (Pan up to King?s Storeroom.  Close-up on artifact.)

KIRK: All right, teams, you?re now standing on the Steps of Knowledge.  In a minute, Olmec?s going to ask you a question.  If you think you know the answer, I want you to stomp down on the ancient marking in front of you.  If you?re right, you?ll move down to the next level.  But if you?re wrong or run out of time, I?m going to give the other teams a chance to answer.  (walks down the steps)  The first two teams to make it to the bottom level will be one step closer to Olmec?s temple.  (to Olmec)  Olmec, we?re now ready for your first question.

OLMEC: Was Oliver Cromwell a hero in the English Civil War, the Hundred Years? War, or the Pig War?

(Green Monkeys ring in)

GREEN MONKEYS: The English Civil War.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Green Monkeys step down)

OLMEC: Was Oliver Cromwell a baker, a soldier, or-

(Silver Snakes ring in)

SILVER SNAKES: A soldier.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Silver Snakes step down)

OLMEC: Did Oliver Cromwell belong to a group called the Roundheads, the Flatheads, or the Jugheads?

(Purple Parrots ring in)

PURPLE PARROTS: The flatheads.

OLMEC: Incorrect.

(Silver Snakes ring in)

SILVER SNAKES: The Roundheads.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Silver Snakes step down again)

OLMEC: Did the Roundheads oppose King Charles I because he had no clothes, he-

(Red Jaguars ring in)

RED JAGUARS: He?was a dictator?

OLMEC: That is not one of our three choices.  The three choices are, he had no clothes, he fought too many wars, or he wanted to rule without a Parliament?

(Silver Snakes ring in)

SILVER SNAKES: He wanted to rule without a Parliament?

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Silver Snakes reach the bottom step)

OLMEC: To enter the King?s palace, did Oliver Cromwell fly in on a balloon, scale the-

(Red Jaguars ring in)

RED JAGUARS: Climb the wall?

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Red Jaguars step down beside the Green Monkeys)

OLMEC: What did Oliver Cromwell lose while climbing the wall?

(Green Monkeys ring in)

GREEN MONKEYS: His hat.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Green Monkeys step down again)

OLMEC: When Cromwell found the King, did he call for his fiddlers three, hurl his crown at him, or-

(Red Jaguars ring in)

RED JAGUARS: Surrender.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Red Jaguars step down again, next to the Green Monkeys)

KIRK: The race is heating up between the Red Jaguars and the Green Monkeys.  Purple Parrots, you can still get on the board and catch up.  Next question, Olmec.

OLMEC: What title did Oliver Cromwell give himself?  Lord Protector, Grand Poo-bah, or-

(Green Monkeys ring in)

GREEN MONKEYS: Lord Protector.

OLMEC: That is correct.

(Green Monkeys reach the bottom step)

KIRK: We?ve got our two teams!  It?s the Green Monkeys and the Silver Snakes!  Red Jaguars and Purple Parrots, come on down.  (The Purple Parrots step down two levels and stand next to the Red Jaguars)  You guys gave it a great effort, we?ve got a great gift for you, and here?s what it is.

(They get a Bambi II DVD.)

KIRK: These two teams will be playing for the right to enter Olmec?s temple, and they?ll do it right after this!

[tss1011]

KIRK:  Welcome back to Legends!  Now the glory goes to the fastest and the strongest.  But before we get started, I?d like to find out what our teams are made of.  On the Green Monkeys we have Debbie; she rides horses and wants to be a dentist when she grows up. And George, he?s president of his school?s chess club and has six ferrets, a big old ferret army there.  Let?s hear it for the Green Monkeys!

(Hold for applause)

And on the Silver Snakes we have Estella, she does ballet and collects Trapper Keepers. And Nils, he goes mountain biking and says he wants to be a lawyer.  Let?s hear it for the Silver Snakes!

(Hold again for applause)

(To contestants, gesturing off-camera)  Why don?t you guys get set up over there, and I?ll tell you what?s going to happen.  (To audience)  In the temple games, teams are competing to win Pendants of Life.  (Pulls pendant out of his pouch and shoves it in front of the camera)  They?re gonna need those pendants to protect themselves from the dreaded temple guards as they make their way through the temple.  There are three temple games.  (To Olmec) Olmec, tell us about temple game number one.

OLMEC: Oliver Cromwell stormed the palace of King Charles I to overthrow him and create a new reign in England.  Before you stands King Charles? palace, and at the top hangs his coat of arms.  You must replace it with the coat of arms of the Commonwealth.  When Kirk gives the signal, throw your crest through the webbing, then launch yourself towards the hole and climb through.  Then go on to the next hole and do it again.  When you reach the top, remove the King?s crest and replace it with your own.  The first player to hang the coat of arms or the player who?s further along at the end of 60 seconds wins.

KIRK: All right, let?s see if they can claim this palace for the Commonwealth.  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Nils and George make their way up.  George stumbles a bit trying to bounce through the first hole and Nils takes an early lead.  Neither is exceptionally fast, but Nils hangs onto his lead and reaches the top with 23 seconds remaining, while George is climbing through the second-to-last hole.)

KIRK: That?s it!  Come on down.  (Nils and George climb down and stand next to Kirk)  Both of you guys did a great job, but Nils took an early lead and made it to the top first.  That means the Silver Snakes get the Half-Pendant of Life!  (Applause)  Green Monkeys can catch up in the next game.  It?s worth a half-pendant.  (To Olmec) Olmec, tell us about temple game number two.

OLMEC: Oliver Cromwell was a skilled rider who led his troops into battle on horseback.  You are about to ride a much wilder horse.  When Kirk gives the signal, grab onto the horse and hold on tight, because the horse will start to spin and throw you off its back.  The player who stays on the longest wins.

KIRK:  Will they be able to stay on their horses?  We?re about to find out.  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Both Debbie and Estella hang on for a long time.  The spotters turn the cranks faster and faster until Estella falls off with 12 seconds left on the clock.)

KIRK: Come on over here.  (Debbie and Estella lurch over to Kirk)  They?re both dizzy, those horses were really throwing ?em around.  But it looks like Debbie, our experienced rider, had the advantage, she stayed on the longest. That means the Green Monkeys get the Half-Pendant of Life!  (Applause)  So it?s all tied up, half a pendant each.  We go to our third and final game; it?s worth a full pendant.  (to Olmec)  Olmec, tell us about temple game number three.

OLMEC: Cromwell?s army was made up of musketeers who practiced their aim constantly.  In this game you are about to do some target practice with muskets of your own.  Before you stand four soldiers of King Charles I.  When Kirk gives the signal, place a musket shot in the sling and hurl it at the soldiers.  Then it will be your partner?s turn to do the same.  The first team to knock down all four soldiers or the team who?s knocked down the most soldiers at the end of 60 seconds wins.

KIRK: I call this game ?The Four Musketeers?.  (Pauses to wait for laughter.  Dead silence.)  Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen)  This is for the temple.  On your marks?get set?GO!

(Balls go flying.  The Green Monkeys take the lead, but the Silver Snakes overtake them within the last 15 seconds to win the game 3 to 2.)

KIRK: All right, let?s count ?em up.  The Green Monkeys knocked down one?two, and the Silver Snakes knocked down one?two?three!  The Silver Snakes get the full pendant, giving them a pendant and a half, the Green Monkeys have a half.  The Silver Snakes are going to the temple!  (Cheers and applause)  The Green Monkeys were a great team, too, gave it a good fight all the way.  They?re not going away empty handed.  We?ve got a great gift for ?em, and here?s what it is.

(They get Garfield 2: The Video Game.)

KIRK: We?ll see if the Silver Snakes can make it through Olmec?s temple and retrieve the Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell, right after this!

[tss1011]

KIRK: Welcome back to Legends.  Nils and Estella have proven themselves worthy and now have earned the right to enter Olmec?s temple.  But before they get started, Olmec?s going to give them some information to help them retrieve the Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell.

OLMEC: You could start by running up the stairs to the Room of the Royal Gongs.  Hit the correct gong and pass into the Hanging Gardens.  Climb the vines across the pit and enter the King?s Storeroom.  Smash the clay pots to find the key that will lead you into the Room of the Mandarin Hand.  Curl the fingers around the ball and pass into the Room of the Ancient Warriors.  Place yourself in the correct armor and open the door to the Shriiiiiiiiiine of the Siiiiiiiiilver Moooooonkey.  Assemble the statue and you may be headed for the Bird Sanctuary.  Open the correct beak and you?ll gain access to the Pharaoh?s Secret Passage.  Climb down the tunnel to the Quicksand Bog where you could smash through to the Dark Forest.  But bewaaaaaaaare the Temple Guards that may inhabit the trees!  Find the key in the tree and you?ll enter the Cyclops? Den.  Place the correct jewel in the statue?s eye and pass into the Room of Harmonic Convergence.  Stand on the right two steps to open the doors.  Then race through the pit, climb through the Ledges, race down the stairs and back through the temple gate.  The choices are yours and yours alone!  You won one and a half pendants in the temple games.  Who?s going first?

NILS: I am!

OLMEC: Very well, Nils.  When Kirk gives the signal, you?ll race through the gates into the temple and make your way towards the Horse-Trampled Hat.  Hidden inside the temple are temple guards assigned to protect three specific rooms.  You can trade your pendant for an extra life and go on, but if you?re caught without a pendant, you?ll be taken out of the temple, and it will be Estella?s turn to enter and try her luck.  Hidden somewhere in the temple is the other half of your pendant.  If you can find it and you?re carrying the other half, you will get an extra life.  If you can reach the hat, all the doors of the temple will instantly unlock, and the temple guards will vanish.  Return through the gates with the Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell in three minutes and you will both be handsomely rewarded?and here?s how!

(Dee Baker reads the prizes: a bike, a karaoke machine, and a trip to Mexico.)

KIRK: All right, let?s see if we can get ?em to Mexico!  (to Nils)  Get in position, put your mouthpiece in.  (to Olmec) Olmec, please lower your gate.

(Olmec lowers the gate, moaning orgasmically.)

KIRK: Let?s put three minutes on the clock.  (Clock appears on screen)  On your mark?get set?GO!

(Nils runs up into the Room of the Royal Gongs.  He opens the door with the third gong and enters the Pit with 2:48 remaining.)

(He grabs onto the first of two vines and swings out to grab onto the second.  He loses a little momentum but makes it and swings towards the doors to the King?s Storeroom and the Room of the Mandarin Hand.  When neither opens, he shimmies down the vine and enters the Room of Harmonic Convergence with 2:34 left.)

(A temple guard takes his pendant.  He tries all combinations of steps and the last one works.  He enters the Cyclops? Den with 2:21 left.)

(He grabs all three jewels off the wall and runs up to the Cyclops statue at the center of the room.  The second jewel works and he runs into the Dark Forest with 1:59 on the clock.)

(He reaches into the holes and finds the key in the stage-right tree.  He opens the door and climbs the ladder into the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, crawling into the room with 1:38 left.)

(In the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, he reaches for the base, but a temple guard emerges from the door in the back wall and removes Nils from the temple with 1:33 remaining.)

(Estella races up the stairs, through the Room of the Royal Gongs, and runs into the Hanging Gardens, where she grabs the first vine and slides down to the ball-covered floor.  She stumbles a bit but crawls into the Room of Harmonic Convergence at 1:17.)

(She grabs the half-pendant above the door on her way into the Cyclops? Den.  She makes it to the Dark Forest ladder, climbs up to the Shrine and enters with 0:58 remaining.)

(Estella grabs the middle and head simultaneously, then goes back for the base.  She places the base on the pedestal then has a bit of trouble with the middle, twisting it around until it fits.  Then she jams the head on and opens the door with 0:39 left.)

(She has a stroke of good luck in the Room of the Ancient Warriors, the first suit of armor opening the door.  She runs up into the King?s Storeroom and grabs the hat with 0:28 to go.)

(She runs out the door and makes a flying leap into the Hanging Gardens, landing on the floor.  She climbs into the Ledges at 0:19, having a little bit of a tough time squeezing her way through, but exits and runs through the gate for the win, with 0:04 on the clock.)

KIRK: SHE DID IT!  Way to go, Estella!  Came out of the Ledges in the last seconds!  She did a great job the whole way!  Nils did a great job clearing a path out for her!  Let me tell you what they get: they get the bike, they get the karaoke machine, these two are going to Mejico!  We love it!  We gotta go, join us again next time for another great Legend of the Hidden Temple, buh-bye!

(End credits roll)

[tss1011]

Name of Artifact: The Horse-Trampled Hat of Oliver Cromwell
Season: 4
Layout: 10
Result: Made it!
Time Remaining: 0:04
Team: Silver Snakes
Pendants won: 1 ?
Location of Artifact: King?s Storeroom



In a nail-biter of a run, the Silver Snakes became the first team to retrieve an artifact from the (relocated) King?s Storeroom.  The frontrunner, Nils, moved at a good pace through the temple, encountering his first temple guard in the Room of Harmonic Convergence, which didn?t seem to faze him much.  He also made the smart move of taking the ladder from the Dark Forest to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, where he was removed from the temple.  Estella didn?t quite match her partner in terms of speed, but she had a good concept of what to do in each room, and additionally found the half-pendant in the Room of Harmonic Convergence (although she did not need to use it).  After a tough fight through the Ledges, she made it through the gate with four seconds to go, earning a trip to Mexico for herself and Nils.

[Olmec]

Yaya, another victory. Still good though.

[tss1011]

Yeah, I plan on writing a few more and then I'll have some people lose.

[The Dark Enforcer]

Needs improvment. Need to Increase value of prizes as episode goes along. Also needs help on spelling and grammar. Love the orgasmically comment though!

[Olmec]

The prizes are realistic... there aren't many grammar issues... it's fine.

[Turbo Barracuda]

I LOVE THE CANNON ENTRANCE! PRICELESS!