The Joke Thread!

[The Bandit King]

Welcome to the Joke Thread!  Here, you can post some of the funniest (and maybe some of the not-so-funniest) jokes, riddles, gags, and head-puzzlers you can dig up!  Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself around here!

[PurpleParrot319]

Here's a joke. Everyone might already know it, but whatever. Here it is:

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

I love this joke so much.

[Asian Legends Fan]

No prizes for guessing from whom these jokes come.

“There’s another new movie opening today I’m very excited about— it’s called The Tourist. It stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. They’ve never acted together, but they make a great couple: one’s a gorgeous creature who I always picture having sweaty sex with Brad Pitt… and the other one’s Angelina Jolie.”

“You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors anywhere now. In a hundred years, scientists will be able to determine that three-quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

“Donald Duck and Donald Trump are very different, of course— one is a noisy cartoon character with a feathery ass who’s a pompous idiot that nobody can understand… and the other one is Donald Duck.”

[The Bandit King]

One day, an out-of-work man is visiting the zoo. Thinking that he's got nothing to lose, he attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, one of the zookeepers grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the man that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will drop, and they will lose money. He offers the man a job to dress up in a gorilla suit and pretend to be the animal until they can get another one. The man accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the man puts on a gorilla suit and enters the cage. He soon discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep and eat all the bananas he wants, act like a fool, and make fun of people without any fear of repercussions; plus, he makes a lot more money than he ever did at his old job.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him, and he gets bored just swinging on tires and eating bananas all day. He also begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to whatever is in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the other cage. Looking down, he sees an angry tiger leaping and snarling at him. The crowd loves it.

Well, this goes on for some time. The man keeps taunting the tiger, the crowds grow larger, and the man's salary keeps going up. However, one day, as he is dangling over the furious tiger, he slips and falls. The man is terrified as the tiger gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The man begins running around the cage, with the tiger close behind.

Finally, the man starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the tiger is quick and pounces. The man soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry tiger. Suddenly, the tiger says:

“Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

[The Red Jaguars]

The Golden Cricket Cage of Khan 

[Purple Parrots Fan]

The Golden Cricket Cage of Khan 

I knew you were gonna say that.

[Kirk Fogg's Angel]

Here is a joke that I got from my Phineas and Ferb Laughapalooza Joke Book:

Why did the platypus cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!

[The Bandit King]

It was only a matter of time before we got to blonde jokes in this thread, and here's the first one:

A man was out mowing his front yard when his blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A bit later, she came out of her house and again went to the mailbox and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out a third time, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

As she started back in the house, the man asked her, "What's wrong?"

The blonde replied, "My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

[Kirk Fogg's Angel]

In honor of Halloween this month here are some Halloween Humor...:

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetit !

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist