Author Topic: Legends of the local WalMart  (Read 1792 times)

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Offline PhantomBPR

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Legends of the local WalMart
« on: May 06, 2007, 06:25:01 AM »
I'm just writing this out of the humor of my dream, I don't intened to turn this into a mini series, just a bit of humor, enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: None of events in this story reflect my true opinions. This is purely fiction.

Legends of the local Wal-Mart
(The undercooked steak of Manny the border hopper)


Introduction:
The camera pans in through an automatic door, it then goes through another and enters WalMart, where it walks over behind the check out lines, pass the optometry center, and around its wall revealing Olmec?s new placement.

?Legends, of the local WalMart!?

A few die hard shoppers yell ?Woo!?

?With you guide, Kirk Fogg, and here he is now!?

Kirk appears riding on the conveyer belt in one of the check out lines.

?Thank you, thank you everyone, welcome to Legends of the hidden WalMart, the isles are filled with low priced quality goods that are protected by mediocre security, Olmec knows the Legend behind each of the treasures in this store, which one are we going to hear about today??

?The Legend of the undercooked steak of Manny the border hopper!?

?Wow, the undercooked steak of Manny the border hopper, well one of these six teams will have a chance to retrieve the steak, will it be, The Red Jaguars, The Blue Barracudas, The Green Monkeys, The Orange Iguanas, The Purple Parrots, or The Silver Snakes??

Teams can be seen standing behind the check out lines

?They?re going to have to pass some pretty tough physical and mental test, and in the end, only one team will make it to the Wal-Mart temple, but first they have to clear the check out, and Olmec is going to tell us how to do it today.?

?Before you stand what are obviously check out booths, when Kirk gives the signal, you will jump upon one of the conveyer belts, they will start running in your direction, making it hard for you to cross, if I feel like a cheap laugh, I might just invoke my godly power upon the belts and speed it up causing you to fall on your ass. It all depends on how I?m feeling today, but if you some how do make it to the other side, run over and hit the gong.?

Kirk smashes his face into the red gong.

?The first four teams to make it across the check out line will go on to the next round.?

Kirk walks back, looking a little dazed from his head/gong collision.

?O-tay, teamses, ??.ready??

Kids shout un-amused ?yeah?s?.

Kirk shakes his head and gets back to normal.

?AH! Olmec, are you ready??

?Bitch, I was born ready!?

?Ok teams, on your mark, get set, go!?

Each team member jumps upon the conveyer belts that start running. They run across them slowly and it creates the illusion as if they were on a treadmill or something of that nature. It looks incredibly easy, but the kids seem to be having a very hard time with it. At one point, the Silver snake gets desperate and dives for the end of the belt, but he just falls on his chest onto the belt and is deposited back behind the register, Olmec finds this very amusing. Eventually the Red Jaguars make it across and hit the gong, they are wondering if they changed the buttons of the gongs to the color of the team, but then they realize that it is just Kirk?s blood on the pedestal. Soon the Green Monkeys make it across, then the Purple Parrots, and at long last, the Silver Snakes bring it on home.

?That?s it! We?ve got our four teams, stop the conveyer belts!?

Shoppers who have been waiting to check out this entire time groan at that sound of that.

?We?ve got our four teams, it?s The Silver Snakes, and The Purple Parrots, The Green Monkeys, and The Red Jaguars. Wow, Orange Iguanas, Blue Barracudas, I swear to god, you all must be freaking retarded, but we?ve got a great gift for kids just like you, and here?s what it is!?

?A free copy of Halo 3! 1 was terrible, and 2 sucked ass, and yet people still play it, so they had enough income to produce a 3rd one, enjoy, retards!?
Crazy, but that's how it goes.

You don't do nothing you don't wanna do
Be nothing phony about you
Keeping it real and do what you feel
You gotta eat
You gott eat Checkers!

Offline PhantomBPR

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2007, 07:02:59 AM »
The teams now stand on the opposite side of the check out line, they have gone backwards the way they crossed so that they are now facing Olmec.

?As the quest continues it is now time for Olmec to reveal more about the Legend, but teams, pay attention, for your knowledge of the Legend may bring you closer to Olmec?s temple.?

?One of the most cunning Mexicans you?d ever meat?err meet, was Manuel Hernandez. He disliked his life in Mexico, so he decided that he?d hop across the border and into America where he would start a new life. Along the way, he picked up two Spanish whores named Jessica and Heather.

Manny: ?Say Chinas, hows about you show me which of you is the bigger Punta!?

?And that they did. After a few long hours of cross border sex, they made it to Texas, where Manny decided to continue his profession he had begun in Mexico. He opened a steak house and named it after the fine Chica that gave him the best sex. As time went on, Manny reverted back to his old ways, and became lazy as hell, on one occasion he did not entirely cook a steak that had been ordered well done, this was met with much disgust from the health department, so Manny decided to run back to Mexico before he could convicted. And so, Manny returned home with many stories to tell, and a new appreciation of his home country. The FDA had confiscated the steak as evidence, however, since no court was ever held, the steak became lost to us, and somehow it found its way to the temple, your quest is to find the steak and bring it back here.?

?Ok Olmec, but where is the steak??

?The undercooked steak of Manny the border hopper can be found in the tomb of Sam Walton.?

The reaming four teams are now standing in front of the cash registers, except they are turned around so that they are facing Olmec.

?Teams, you are now positioned at the registers of intelligence, in a minute, Olmec will ask a question pertaining to the Legend, if you think you know the answer, ring in on your cash register, if you are right, you?ll make one sale, if you are wrong or run out of time, I?ll give the other teams a chance to answer, the first two teams to make 4 sales, will be going on to the shopping games.

?Olmec, we are now ready for your first question.?

1. Manny was of what heritage? English, Spanish, or Mexican?
Silver Snakes: ?Taco??
Olmec: That is acceptable, one sale for you.
2. What sort of profession did Manny make his living off of, Restaurant management, Grand theft auto, or Drug smugglings?
Red Jaguars: Restaurant Management?
Olmec: Correct, one sale.
3.What was Manny?s vice, Sex, Drugs, or Alcohol?
Silver: Sex.
Olmec Correct, 2 sales for the Silver Snakes?.Kirk why aren?t you doing to commentary?
Kirk: Well you started so I just decided to flow with it.
Olmec: Works for me I suppose, ok, next question.
4. What did?.
Silver: He crossed the border!
Olmec: Err correct.
Olmec eyes the young man on the Silver Snakes team
Olmec: Young man, what is your name.
Silver Snakes boy: Salvador Rivera, mi amigo!
Olmec: I should have guessed, you don?t need to answer the last question, your automatically in the shopping games.
Kirk: All right, we need one more team, who?s it going to be?
5. Which Mexican holiday has just passed?
Red Jaguars: Cinco de Mayo?
Olmec: Correct, that?s two sales now.
6. Which of these establishments did PhantomBPR eat at the night of Cinco de Mayo?
Red Jaguars: Taco Bell?
Olmec:????..Bryan is that you?
Myself: Damn right it?s me Olmec, I dreamt this entire thing up, of course I?d place myself in it.
Olmec: Fine, I?ll let you go on to the games if you just answer me one last question.
7. Was this really a window into your subconscious mind, Sick man Fraud? Or was it just too much Taco Bell?
Myself: Olmec, I ate a crunch wrap supreme, like 5 tacos, a Carmel apple empanada, and a Baja blast, of course it was too much damn Taco Bell, but look what it created, if you ask me, it was all for the best.
Olmec: I suppose that?s one way to look at it, fine, your in the shopping games, and we didn?t even ask 8 questions, how fucked is that?

Kirk then walks in front of Olmec

?Well then I guess we have our two teams, The Silver Snakes and The Red Jaguars.?
?Green Monkeys, Purple Parrots, I?m sure Phantom would have included you as well, but it just wasn?t in the cards, but you aren?t going to go away empty handed, here?s what we got for you.?

?The URL of ?Phantom?s Temple? discuss the show that you just failed on in MAJOR detail. ?Phantom?s Temple? best damn forum in existence!?

?These two teams will be playing for the right to enter whatever sort of temple we have placed here in WalMart, and they?re going to do it, right after this!?
Crazy, but that's how it goes.

You don't do nothing you don't wanna do
Be nothing phony about you
Keeping it real and do what you feel
You gotta eat
You gott eat Checkers!

Offline PhantomBPR

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2007, 07:53:43 AM »
?Welcome back to Legends, now the glory goes to the fastest and the strongest, but before we get started, let?s meet our teams.?

?On the Silver Snakes, we have Salvador and Christina. So Sal, we already know enough about you, how about you tell us a little bit about yourself Christina??

Christina: ?Well I?m in Phantom?s Spanish class, so I assume that?s why he placed me in this story.?
?All right, sounds good.?
And on the Red Jaguars, we have Bryan and Chi.
?Well Bryan, we already know who you are, you saved my career and brought Legends back to your local WalMart, but who is this fine lady you have with you??

?Some random Asian girl I was talking to on the net last night, that?s how it goes ya know??

?Hey, whatever brings in the bacon for the Fogg family, well then let?s get on to the games.

?In the shopping games, teams will be competing to win coupons of life, they?re going to need those coupons to protect them from the mediocre security staff.? ?There are 3 shopping games, and Olmec is gonna tell us about shopping game number 1.?

Olmec: ?If you were a Mexican looking to cross the border, you?d have to run fast, as you will in this game, both players are standing on fully stocked shelves, when Kirk gives the signal, you?ll race across the shelves, however, if you fall off, you?ll have to start over, the winner will be the first one to race to the other side and back in 60 seconds.?

Kirk: ?I?d say something in Spanish, but Bryan?s Spanish teacher has taught him nothing, so I?m just going to put 60 seconds on the clock.?

On your mark, get set, GO!

Salvador and myself run across the stocked shelves, I fall off, but Sal proves his true Mexican heritage and races back in less than 30 seconds.

?All right , that?s it, Muy Bueno Sal, you get half a coupon. Now then, onto our next game!?

?Ok, as you know, Manny was good at cooking meat, but he was also good at stealing it?.not to mention beating it??anyway, in this next game, our players will attempt to steal meat from the deli. The team with the most meat at the end of 60 seconds gets the half coupon. Let?s put 60 seconds on the clock, on your mark, get set, go!

Game occurs:

?That?s it. The Red Jaguars got 1,2, 45 pieces of frozen meat, and the Silver Snakes got 54, I?m going to have to give this coupon to the Silver Snakes, but there is still time to catch up, let?s get to the pharmacy!?

Kirk runs over to the Pharmacy where both teams are standing with shopping carts, the boys pushing them, the girls standing in the cart.

?Okay, drug smuggling is another good occupation for your average border crosser, when I give the signal, the guys will start pushing the carts, the job for the girls is to grab as many drugs off the shelves as they can, the team with the most over the counter drugs in their cart at the end of 60 seconds gets a full coupon.? On your mark, get set, go!

Both teams blaze through the pharmacy, drugs flying everywhere.

The time elapses.

?Ok, the Silver Snakes got 75 bottles of cough syrup containing methadone, and the Red Jaguars got 40 bottles of pills, but they get double points for each pill so I?m going to have to give this coupon to the Red Jaguars. However, now we have a tie, so we?ll have to go on to the tie breaker.?

The teams walk back in front of Olmec at the check out line.

?All right teams, if you can find some way to get Olmec?s attention then you can answer the question, but you don?t get a pedestal so good luck, Olmec, final question, now!?

?Did Manny name his steak house after, Jessica, Heather, or Steak??

Silver Snakes bang in: Heather
Olmec: Incorrect
Red Jaguars: Jessica.
Olmec: Incorrect
Everyone looks at each other a bit dumbfounded, this sort of thing has never happened before. I shake it off and bang in.
Myself: Steak?
That is correct.
Salvador: But I don?t get it, I thought he named it after the better ho!?
Olmec: Didn?t you hear Kirk earlier, Manny loved to beat his meat, so he decided that the meat itself was the better whore, Red Jaguars, you are going on to the WalMart temple.

Kirk: Don?t forget, we have a great gift for the Red Jaguars, and here?s what it is.

?You can redeem that coupon you won for a free taco at Taco Bell. You didn?t really think we?d get through this story without mention of Taco Bell did you??

?Phantom and his fantasy woman will be going on to the temple, right after this!?
Crazy, but that's how it goes.

You don't do nothing you don't wanna do
Be nothing phony about you
Keeping it real and do what you feel
You gotta eat
You gott eat Checkers!

Offline PhantomBPR

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2007, 08:19:12 AM »
?Welcome back to Legends, the Red Jaguars have proven themselves worthy and have now earned the right to enter the WalMart temple, but first, Olmec has some information that will help them retrieve the Undercooked steak.?

Olmec:  Because of our compliance with the WalMart contract we signed, I am obligated to remind you of the quality goods at low prices here at WalMart in my pre temple run briefing. Ahem:

You could start by running into the optometry office, where you can receive and eye exam and prescription glasses in just 2 hours, chose the correct eye glass for your own vision and pass on to the 1 hour photo developing sector, or onward into the Pit of paper goods, where you can save $2.50 on Bounty Paper towels, jump across and climb up onto the top shelf where you can shinny down into the shoe lair, find yourself a styling pair of shoes and you can pass over into the hall of electronics, where the PS3 has dropped to a more reasonable price of $589. Fill out a survey on which Sony item you?d spend the most money on, and you can pass into CUSTOMER SERVICE, sneak across the desk and activate the security lock and pass into the security center. Read the available pamphlet about going back to high school and you just may pass into the inventory, if you escape through the piles of quality goods (no touching) you may just find yourself in the incinerator, but beware of the warnings we have posted upon it so that you do not sue us in the case of injury. Crawl through the flames and you?ll emerge in Sam Walton?s tomb, where you can grab the steak, following that, you will race through the tomb that doubles as meat cooler and into the deli, then back to the check out line. The choices are yours and yours alone. You?ve won one coupon in the Shopping games, who?s going first.

Myself: I am!

Olmec: I should have known, well you know how this works except instead of temple guards it is security guards and instead of pendants it?s coupons. If you make it out, you?ll get this shit.

A 6 pack of Starbucks mocha coffee
A used American flag
And if you make it back to the check out before 3 minutes is up you?ll both be staying in the Mexican Ghetto that Manny was born in for an entire week!

Kirk: ?Wow! A Mexican ghetto, I KNOW they wanna go there, let?s put 3 minutes on the clock, on your mark, get set go!?

Instead of fucking around with their fake ass temple, I just walk straight to the deli and order the steak for $5.99. I return with 2:00 on the clock, Shaka Zulu still beat me!


Kirk: HE DID IT, I DON?T KNOW HOW HE DID IT BUT HE DID! THEY GOT THE COFFEE, THEY GOT THE FLAG, THEY?RE GOING TO THE GHETTO!

I embrace my asian woman as we fall to floor and our clothes fly off in the process!

Kirk: Uh oh! I?d love to stay longer, but I gotta get over to the Pharmacy and pick up a pack of condoms or we?ll have the first underage, unprotected sex on a Legends set, we?re out of here, see you next time!

Credits roll and then the camera goes off.

Kirk: ?Well I think our first season 4 episode worked out pretty well, oh look here comes my manager.?

Manager: ?Kirk I need to talk to you.?

Kirk: ?Why what?s up??

Manager: ?Look, it?s not working out, I?m going to have to ask you not to come back tomorrow.?

Kirk: ?But I don?t understand, we followed all the rules, we made sure to mention the quality goods at low prices, what did we do wrong??

Manager: ?Well Kirk, WalMart does not condone such racist stereotyping, it?s the day after Cinco de Mayo for god?s sake!?

Kirk: ?Bull shit! Salvador is freaking Mexican and he didn?t mind, did you Sal??

Salvador: ?Nope, some of that stuff is actually true amigo!?

Manger: ?Kirk, if you don?t vacate this store in the next 5 minutes, I?m going to have to call security.?

Kirk: ?Damn it to hell! Well kids, I guess that?s it for Legends of the local WalMart, I?d like to say we had a good run, but hell, we were created by late night Taco Bell intake, that?s how it goes I guess.

END.
Crazy, but that's how it goes.

You don't do nothing you don't wanna do
Be nothing phony about you
Keeping it real and do what you feel
You gotta eat
You gott eat Checkers!

Offline The Ancient Warrior

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2007, 12:45:24 PM »
:lol:

ROFLMAOOL

(Yes, long abreviation, but I don't care.)

Did I give you that idea for the tiebreaker?
If you have seen all 120 full episodes of Legends, copy and paste this into your profile for all to see.

The Room of the Ancient Warriors | Legends: The Rediscovery (Season 3 resumption date TBD)





Favorite episode: The Levitating Dog Leash of Nostradamus
Favorite season: Season 2, very closely followed by Season 3
Favorite team: Blue Barracudas


Credit to Nicklegends for the screencap in the avatar and for Mr. Blue.  Thanks dude!

Offline PhantomBPR

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2007, 01:50:47 PM »
Quote from: ""The Ancient Warrior""
:lol:

ROFLMAOOL

(Yes, long abreviation, but I don't care.)

Did I give you that idea for the tiebreaker?


You know it.  :mrgreen:
Crazy, but that's how it goes.

You don't do nothing you don't wanna do
Be nothing phony about you
Keeping it real and do what you feel
You gotta eat
You gott eat Checkers!

Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2007, 01:53:18 PM »
Ha Your show got jacked.
But I did like it

Offline Olmec

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2007, 02:50:46 PM »
o.0 Wow...

Offline The Ancient Warrior

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2007, 02:55:45 PM »
Yep, too much Taco Ball too late.

?Yo quiero uno mistako!
If you have seen all 120 full episodes of Legends, copy and paste this into your profile for all to see.

The Room of the Ancient Warriors | Legends: The Rediscovery (Season 3 resumption date TBD)





Favorite episode: The Levitating Dog Leash of Nostradamus
Favorite season: Season 2, very closely followed by Season 3
Favorite team: Blue Barracudas


Credit to Nicklegends for the screencap in the avatar and for Mr. Blue.  Thanks dude!

Offline Kornography17

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2007, 10:25:42 AM »
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2008, 11:46:01 AM »
What an interesting dream that must have been! Made a funny post, most fan fiction stuff is corny, but this had me laughing. Nice adaption to Wal-Mart.

Offline nicklegends

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2008, 12:08:35 PM »
After reading this again, Phantom, I just realized how hilarious it would be if they did indeed stop the conveyor belts, suddenly, while the losing teams were still running on them. Hah.

I forgot what a gem this was, though. Good work.

Offline PhantomBPR

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #12 on: January 02, 2008, 12:35:39 PM »
Quote from: ""nicklegends""
After reading this again, Phantom, I just realized how hilarious it would be if they did indeed stop the conveyor belts, suddenly, while the losing teams were still running on them. Hah.

I forgot what a gem this was, though. Good work.


Ha, thank you, I had nearly forgotten about this, just something I came up with one morning, thank you.
Crazy, but that's how it goes.

You don't do nothing you don't wanna do
Be nothing phony about you
Keeping it real and do what you feel
You gotta eat
You gott eat Checkers!

Offline A Blue Baracuda

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #13 on: January 02, 2008, 03:28:39 PM »
LMFAO. Just got quit wal mart. xD

Great job P!

Offline snick54

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Legends of the local WalMart
« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2008, 11:23:31 AM »
You should try to write new ones, because that made me laugh harder then any of those parodies on YouTube.