Please resist the urge to bash your head against the wall! We still have 30 songs left:
#30: “Axel F” – Crazy FrogReleased: 2005
Peak Position: #50
In 1985, German keyboardist Harold Faltermeyer scored a major hit with this song from the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack, making it up to #3 on the Pop charts. But twenty years later, a version by the computer-animated character Crazy Frog actually made the Hot 100, peaking at #50 and becoming one of the most downloaded ringtones of all time. Unlike the original, which is just a synthesized organ beat that is mildly tolerable, the Crazy Frog version is nothing but robotically computerized notes interspersed with the occasional high-pitched exclamation from the titular amphibian:
I am the Crazy Frog!Ding dingThis is one of the worst remakes I’ve ever heard, and the fact that they made it into some electro-pop garbage that no one in their right mind wants to hear is even worse. I literally have no idea why this song got to be such a popular ringtone. Maybe people downloaded it so they’d answer their phone just to shut it up—that’s the only reason I can come up with. One more thing of note: when this song made it to #1 in France (no, seriously, it did), the song that replaced it at the top position was another Crazy Frog remake—this time of the pioneering techno recording “Popcorn”. As if we needed another reason to hate the French.
#29: “Play That Funky Music” – Wild CherryReleased: 1976
Peak Position: #1
Disco is one of my least favorite genres of music. Let’s face it—the genre is overplayed, over-commercialized, and most of the songs are extremely repetitive, sophomoric, and boring. And if it weren’t for this song, the genre might never have existed, thus it makes my list. However, there's more to it than that, which you will soon see. In 1976, early funk singer/songwriter Robert Parissi wrote this song for his band, and it became their only hit, topping the Billboard charts for two weeks and becoming the first disco song to be certified 2x Platinum. The lyrics are fairly typical ones that would later become staple of disco music:
And they were dancin’ and singin’And movin’ to the groovin’And just when it hit meSomebody turned around and shoutedPlay that funky music, white boyOkay, I know there are some out there who actually like this song, so here’s my reasoning behind putting it here: if you’re a white person and you enjoy “dancin’ and singin’ and movin’ to the groovin’”, you are actively participating in your own degradation. White people do not “groove”, at any time in our lives. Period. These guys in this band are all white (and lame, but that’s beside the point), and trying to sing about their own “funkiness” is a new definition of pathetic. Hell, I’m white and I consider myself funky, but you’ll never hear me singing about it, and you’ll sure as hell never see me “movin’ to the groovin’”. There’s a reason why this group is a one-hit wonder—they suck. And that’s the bottom line.
#28: “Tik Tok” – Ke$haReleased: 2009
Peak Position: #1
In late 2009, Kesha (screw it, I’m not putting the fucking dollar sign in her name anymore) burst onto the scene with “Tik Tok”, her debut single. It quickly went to the #1 position on the Billboard charts and became the first #1 song of the 2010s, staying at the top for nine weeks. While some critics praised the song, I can’t for the life of me imagine why. The background beat sounds like a cross between a video game soundtrack and a dying guinea pig, and the lyrics are so stupid it’s not even funny:
Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beerAin’t got no money in my pocket, but I'm already hereAnd now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swaggerBut we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick JaggerA music critic writing for The New York Times once said that this song can be summed up as “girl wakes up drunk, stays drunk, finds a dance floor and (spoiler alert) gets even drunker”. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Kesha’s voice sounds so much like a “valley girl”, you can’t help but feel your hand instinctively drawn to the mute button on your radio every time it comes on. Some people have praised the song for its carefree message and talking about not letting anything get you down. News flash—“carefree” is not always good. If I was arrested, the
last thing I would be doing is dancing on top of my damn car like Kesha does in this song’s video. And with how Kesha’s career has been going so far, this song is proof that if you release a song describing yourself as a drunk party girl, you’re going to be labeled as such for the rest of your life. Congratulations, Kesha—I hope all your whorish dreams come true.
#27: “Muskrat Love” – Captain & TennilleReleased: 1976
Peak Position: #4
In 1976, pop duo the Captain & Tennille took a song previously recorded by America as “Muskrat Candlelight”, reworked the title, and had a huge hit with it, hitting #1 on the Adult Contemporary charts (that’s a fancy term for “elevator music”, kiddies). But looking back on the song, it’s hard to believe that a song that is actually about copulating rodents, of all things. No, seriously, look at the lyrics:
Muskrat Susie, Muskrat SamDo the jitterbug in Muskrat landAnd they shimmyAnd Sam’s so skinnyYou can’t make this stuff up, folks. And the oddest part about it is that radios actually played this garbage back in the ‘70s. If you’re talking about romantic creatures, the first things that should come to your mind are things like lovebirds, doves, and possibly kittens—
NOT rats! The worst thing about this song was that it was covered by the band America (best-known for their former #1 smash “A Horse with No Name), who happen to be a damn good classic rock band. That’s just sacrilege to a rock fan like me, and absolutely merits this song’s inclusion on the list as far as I’m concerned.
#26: “Macarena” – Los Del RioReleased: 1995
Peak Position: #1
In 1995, Spanish pop duo Los Del Rio finally broke into the mainstream circuit after six years of trying with this little number. The song spent 14 weeks at #1 on the Billboard charts, setting a record for most time on the Hot 100 at 60 weeks (later broken by Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”, which would last 65 weeks). While it was kind of cute when you first heard it, back in ’95, you couldn’t get away from this song! We even had to learn the damn dance in
music class, for God’s sake! This song’s history should be second nature to you folks, so I won’t bore you. And in keeping with the list, here are the (unimportant) lyrics:
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, MacarenaQue tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegria y cosa buenaDale a tu cuerpo alegria, MacarenaHeeeeey, Macarena! (HiiIIII!)I’m too lazy to translate that, so just use Google Translate or something if you’re curious. I’ll admit, the song is pretty catchy in small doses, but the problem with this tune is that it was played EVERYWHERE when it was released. Hell, I’d bet money that if you traveled to the deepest, darkest part of Africa or Indonesia or something, where people had no contact with the outside world whatsoever, there’d be half-naked natives dancing to it. Back that up with the most annoying dance of all time (not to mention zero foot movement in the damn thing, so I’m not sure if it’s really considered a dance) plus the fact that it was parodied, re-released, and re-recorded as a holiday song; and you have one of the most annoying songs in recent memory. Still, Los Del Rio may be the smartest people in the music video, as they’re the only people
not doing the dance.
#25: “Hollaback Girl” – Gwen StefaniReleased: 2005
Peak Position: #1
“I don’t know what a Hollaback Girl is; all I know is I want her dead.” –
Brian Griffin, Family GuyIn 2005, No Doubt lead singer Gwen Stefani took a break from the rock music to record this dance-pop mess. The song reached #1 in the U.S. and Australia, and charted in the Top 10 in most other countries. Based on her experiences as a high school cheerleader, Gwen demoralizes herself with this song, whose chorus is the most repetitive thing I’ve heard since Toni Basil’s “Mickey” (another cheerleader song. I sense a pattern here…). Anyway, the chorus goes on for about a minute…two hours, three days, a week, a month, a year…it goes on for a long time, and
finally Gwen gets to the meat of the song (which isn't much meat to begin with), and it all culminates at the end with the following words:
Let me hear you say this shit is bananasB-A-N-A-N-A-SWe all know how to spell, Gwen, so PLEASE save us the indignation! Too late…you’ve already drilled this nonsensical garbage into my brain, and I can’t get it out. Now I’ll think of this song every time I spell “bananas”. Thanks a lot, Gwen!
#24: “Nookie” – Limp BizkitReleased: 1999
Peak Position: #80
Even though I’m a rocker at heart, I never really got into Limp Bizkit. Their early stuff from the ‘90s sounds a little too much like hip-hop for my tastes. But at least I can listen to the majority of their songs all the way through without having a brain aneurysm. With this song, though, all bets are off. Released in the summer of ’99, this Grammy-nominated song chronicles lead singer Fred Durst’s real-life relationship with a past girlfriend. She cheated on him with several of his friends, yet he opted to stay with her despite her antics. Why? Let’s find out:
Hey what the hell, what you want me to sayI won’t lie, that I can’t denyI did it all for the nookieWell all I can say is that chick must have been damn good in the sack, because if a woman acted like that to me, she’d have been kicked to the curb a long time ago! Like I said, I have nothing against songs about the nasty, but a song as despicable as this should have been left on the studio floor. In fact, it
almost was—“Nookie” was the working title of the song, but guitarist Wes Borland didn’t even want to use it. This just goes to show that in music, just like in life, you should trust your gut instincts.
#23: “MMMBop” – HansonReleased: 1997
Peak Position: #1
Brothers Taylor, Isaac and Zach Hanson released their third album in 1997, which contained their biggest hit, which spent three weeks at #1 on the charts. The song is certainly sophomoric and uninspired in its composition, and this alone could well be enough to merit its inclusion on my list. However, the straw that breaks the camel’s back in this case is the fact that when this song was released at the tail end of the ‘90s, it was EVERYWHERE. Seriously, you couldn’t go
anywhere without hearing:
MMMBop, bah-dah, bah-dah, doo wopYeah, yeah, MMMBop, bah-dah, bah-dah, doo wopSo damn annoying—and I’m STILL not sure what it means. This song has become such an anthem of irritation that in 2009, a high school in McSherrytown, Pennsylvania organized a fundraiser called “Stop the Bop”. The school's PA system played this song for morning announcements and between classes every single day until the students had raised $3,000 for Hurricane Katrina victims—only then would they “Stop the Bop”. To make matters worse, Hanson are still together and still performing the song. Since each member has now passed puberty, the song sounds even worse now than it originally did when it was first recorded. That’s
plenty bad.
#22: “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” – Soulja BoyReleased: 2007
Peak Position: #1
Out of all the untalented hip-hop artists on the scene today, by far the worst, in my opinion, is this man. And in 2007, he released his second-worst song. (Yes, at the risk of spoilers, that means there is
another song by him coming up.) “Crank That” spent seven weeks at the top of the charts and was nominated for a Grammy, but I’m literally at a loss as to why. How the hell does something like this get nominated for an award that was once given to masterpieces like “Light My Fire” and “Tears in Heaven”:
Soulja Boy off in this ohWatch me crank it, watch me rollWatch me crank that, Soulja BoyThen Superman dat ohRaise gun to head, pull trigger. The song’s lyrics make no sense whatsoever, and the beat sounds like it was played by a 3-year old with a toy keyboard. To make matters worse, the YouTube mixups of this song are equally annoying (one even features Dora the Explorer. No, seriously, look it up). This song belongs in the garbage no matter how you look at it, but at least it’s not Soulja Boy’s worst. That travesty is coming up later…
#21: “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” – Eiffel 65Released: 1999
Peak Position: #6
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Released as the first (and
only, thank God) single off Italian group Eiffel 65’s only album, this song reached #1 in ten different countries, and was nominated for a Grammy for Best Dance Performance. It was praised by some for its catchy beat, but if you ask me, the song is stupid and debilitating. Where to begin with this pile of crap? How about the insanely annoying chorus that begins the song:
I’m blueDa ba dee, da ba diDa ba dee, da ba diDa ba dee, da ba diThis stupid chorus just goes on FOREVER. It’s like one big ringtone that won’t shut up! To boot, the lyrics tell of a man that lives in a “blue world”, “inside and outside”. Apparently, everything the man owns physically is “blue” as well, including his house and his car. Newsflash: if you owned some stuff that’s another color besides blue, maybe you wouldn’t BE so damn blue! The autotune is used so much in this song that I wouldn’t be surprised if Eiffel 65 doesn’t really exist, and it’s just all done with computers. As a matter of fact, please excuse me while I check those figures…
Topic: The 100 Worst Songs of All Time (Read 9744 times)
